Hello my dear readers and guests of the blog! Loss loved one is one of the worst losses. Life is divided into two parts. The most important thing in this case is not to get stuck at any stage of the grief experience. Usually, in order to completely get rid of psychological trauma, a time period of one year is needed. All four seasons of the year and memorable dates must pass without a loved one. This is necessary in order to get used to and realize that the one who was nearby until recently is no longer there.

In this crisis moment of life, the support of relatives, friends and relatives is very important. Well, if this continues throughout the year, then a person experiences loss more easily. The death of children is especially difficult, in which case the period of despair can drag on for up to five years.

If the state of depression lasts more than a year, then the person revels in his loss. It is necessary to try to go through all the stages of grief, not dwelling on any one for a long time. There are many examples from life when crisis moments in a person's life gave him the strongest impetus for great achievements in the future.

The loss of a loved one is difficult, if a personal life does not work out, a childless marriage. There is a feeling of abandonment and uselessness. According to the classification of the American psychologist Liz Burbo, there are five mental traumas that interfere with life:

• feeling of abandonment;
• feeling of rejection;
• feeling of humiliation;
• feeling of injustice;
• the feeling of being betrayed.

The feeling of abandonment is basic and exacerbates everything else. It is very difficult for an addicted person to go through the pain of loss, he just needs the support of relatives and friends.

Stages of grief

It is not the moment of death of a loved one that is terrible, but the subsequent life without it. It is important when living through all stages of grief not to dwell on one of them for a long time. There are many classifications of the stages of grief. Who subdivides them even into twelve. In general, there are three main ones:

- disbelief (denial)

At this stage, a person does not want to believe in the loss of a loved one. Despite the obvious facts and evidence, he denies everything, lives in a fantasy world. Women are especially affected by grief. Some continue to talk with the deceased person, cook dinner for him, do laundry, buy his favorite products. Others believe that he just left and will return soon. If this stage is delayed for a long time, then deep mental disorders are possible. Such a state is permissible for a while in order to survive the acute stage, after which a person must be tried to get out of it.

There are many interesting cases from psychological practice, such as different people going through this phase.

One woman wrote letters to herself for half a year on behalf of her husband and sent them by mail, and then enthusiastically read to relatives and friends, trying to convince him that he was alive. Another lady every day for two years got up at five in the morning to cook breakfast for her husband and put herself in order so that her dead husband would not see her without makeup.

The man, after the death of his mother, arranged a museum in her room and spent a lot of time there, indulging in memories.

- (awareness)

The hardest stage. After the veil of detachment falls from consciousness, there comes a period of understanding that there is no more close. It is impossible to live in the old way, it is necessary to adapt to new conditions. The main signs of a cognitive disorder include:

• loss of appetite;
• lethargy, apathy, sickly appearance.

This is one of the most insidious stages, when self-pity is very addictive, everything around becomes black and white. The person feels empty inside. The period is dangerous because, succumbing to the engulfing negativity, you can commit suicide, fall into alcoholism or drug addiction. Thus, people try to escape from reality and instead of accepting, they run away from it. It is important to maintain and monitor the state of a person, and at the most acute moment of the crisis, do not let it slide down.

It can be said that this is one of the most ugly stages of the crisis.

The mess in the soul begins to break out. There were cases when people not only did not clean the apartment, but also did not wash for whole months. Problems begin with children and at work. It is difficult to convey something to a person at this moment, he is like a robot that does something automatically, but does not particularly perceive anything.

Often the beginning of this stage is the state of aggression. A person is gradually becoming aware of reality, but it is still difficult for him to come to terms with this. Any talk on the topic of the deceased, he reacts angrily and irritated. He gets the feeling that people are specifically reminding him of the pain that he is trying so hard to forget.

Feelings of guilt replace aggression. A person begins to reproach himself for not paying enough attention, for not having time to say and do something. He constantly scrolls the mental chewing gum in his head, trying to justify himself to the deceased. However, the feeling of guilt rolls over and over again, resurrecting negative feelings and causing the pain of loss.

- Adoption

This phase serves as a reward for those who successfully passed the first and second. The person gradually begins to return to the real world, realizes the fact that the loved one is not around, he is gone forever. Understanding this facilitates the general condition of a person. Appetite returns to him, sleep normalizes, new goals and plans appear in life.

The state of humility allows you to let go of negativity and look at life in a different way. This is one of real cases in life.

After the death of his wife, a teenage daughter was left in the hands of a man. At first, the father and child were very upset by the death of their mother, they practically did not communicate. A man came to work in a dirty shirt, unshaven, his eyes were dull and indifferent. A little girl helped him survive the grief, who partially took over the functions of a parent. She began to cook, clean, iron clothes. At first, she was not good at it, and her father used to come to work in a scorched shirt. But after a while, seeing the inspiration of his daughter, he began to return to life himself. He had a goal - to support and raise his daughter.

Crisis periods help to understand that life is not always and not always white, it is striped. One has only to endure grief, and it will again sparkle with bright colors. Self-pity and self-indulgence contributes to the fact that a person gradually slides down. And the deeper you fall, the harder it is to get back up. The sooner we reach the acceptance phase, the more precious life time can be saved.

Someone himself finds a way out of the crisis, someone needs a psychologist. In any case, the most important thing is not to withdraw into yourself. You can give a person some time to be alone and experience mental trauma, but then you should try so that he does not withdraw into himself and communicate with other people.

When a person comes out of the shell and begins to contact the outside world, then the understanding comes that your life is no worse than the rest. Communication heals.

The main methods of overcoming the crisis include:

- auto-training (self-hypnosis)

It usually takes 21 days for a person to form a habit. For example, if during this time every day in the morning you repeat to yourself the expression “I’m fine” 10 times, then after the first week you will feel the result. The mood will improve significantly, and sleep will normalize.

You can try to turn to faith. It was religion that saved many people from tragedy in the most difficult moments of life. Through prayers, a person is strengthened spiritually, negative energy simply ceases to act on him.

- setting life goals and guidelines

When a loved one dies, there is a change in life orientations. A certain part of life associated with it remains in the past. Plans for the future collapse, goals are lost. In order not to turn into a biorobot or become a peddler of negativity, you need to shake yourself up and reconsider your plans for life.

Yes, it happened in life that you had to know the pain of loss, a loved one left, but you stayed to live. Choose a goal and go towards it. So life will turn into a chain of achievements, not disappointments.

- doing what you love

Hobbies have helped many people get out of the most severe and protracted depressions. When the creative process takes place, joy begins to permeate life. A person is distracted from sad thoughts, there is satisfaction and a feeling that you can still give something to this world.

Hobbies can be very different, woodcarving, embroidery, cooking, writing, etc. You can choose what you like and improve in it. Who knows, maybe your favorite business will bring a good income or glorify you? The famous writer D. Rowling, the creator of books about H. Potter, just wrote fairy tales for her little daughter. During this period, she experienced a severe life crisis, left without a husband, money and a roof over her head.

- helping those in need

This is a difficult and noble undertaking. It should be started only if a person has already left the stage of depression. Otherwise, a syndrome may occur emotional burnout. Since helping orphans, the elderly and seriously ill people is not easy. It requires a lot of mental strength, someone will be spiritually strengthened, and someone can again break loose and fall into depression. Therefore, it is necessary to evaluate yourself and your strengths objectively.

The main medicine for getting out of the state of pain and grief is patience and acceptance of the situation. Only time and work on yourself will help heal the pain of loss.

If this article on coping with the loss of a loved one helped you, share it with your friends. Leave comments and your thoughts on this. See you soon!

“The day of your separation from us is your birthday into a new, endless life. Therefore, with tears in our eyes, but we greet you with the end of the earthly career, with the entry into the place where there are not only our sorrows, but also our vain joys.

John Chrysostom

It is with these words that we want to start today's conversation, which will give not only reassurance, but will provide an answer to the question of the mourners about how to survive the death of a loved one.

Alas, modern society shuns everything related to death:

• avoids talking about her;
• refuses elements of mourning;
• trying to get stronger;
• hides his grief inside.

Many people are afraid to give a child any answers to their questions about death. We fear not just death, but even those who face it. It's all about human psychology. After all, communication with a mourner will not bring even a small drop of pleasure, but inconvenience - more than you might expect.

Five stages of grief

After the loss of a loved one, the mourner goes through several stages that allow him to learn how to manage his grief and maintain mental health. In this period, such people may seem strange to many. That is why it is necessary to know each of the stages in order to understand how to survive the death of a loved one.

This understanding is to be able to follow the “normal work of grief” and notice the stagnation of any of the stages of grief in time, in order to promptly seek professional help.

Shock and numbness

The duration of this stage is at least 9 days. A person during this period is not able to accept the loss or does not believe in it at all. He may be in a kind of stupor or behave fussy-actively. Do not think that in the latter case, he will more easily survive the loss. On the contrary, it will be much more difficult for him to come to terms with her, since she is not yet conscious of him.

A manifestation of depersonalization is possible, when he ceases to understand who he is, where he is, and why so many people have gathered around. This kind of reaction is the norm and is not considered a manifestation of any mental disorder. In order to survive the death of a loved one, it is at such a moment that actions will be reduced to taking sedatives.

Negation

This period lasts for 40 days. The moment of the so-called "release" will be marked precisely by the commemoration, which claims that on this day the soul of the deceased leaves our world. A person is already able to accept the loss as a fact, but his consciousness is not yet ready for such a step.

During this period, any talk about the deceased should be supported. A good solution or way out of a mournful situation would be the opportunity to cry to the mourner. However, round-the-clock tears should already be alarming.

Accepting the loss and living the pain

This period is delayed for at least 6 months. The pain of loss is still present, but it is already manifesting itself in waves. There are moments when it almost completely recedes, but at a certain period of time it returns, carrying all the same bitterness of loss. This "effect" is explained by the fact that a person is still learning to manage his pain, grief, but he does not always succeed.

After the first three months, a period of failure is possible, which is provoked by exhaustion.

To the one who mourns, it seems that he will never be well again, and the pain is incredibly strong. In the same period, the manifestation of "useful" or "normal" feelings, for example, feelings of guilt, is possible. This is a defensive reaction of the body or its attempt to gain control over itself.

Pain relief

This period lasts for 12 months. At this stage, a person is already fully aware of the loss of a person close to him, accepts it and tries to gradually build a new life. Perhaps full communication, the emergence of new friends. In the process of mourning, the deceased is more and more remembered not dead, but alive, talking about pleasant moments from his life. One gets the impression that a person has learned to manage his grief and live with it.

During this period, the main thing is to contact the mourner more often. Distract with everyday conversations and try to give him “your problems” to occupy his mind. To survive the death of a loved one, there are no worked out recipes, but there are moments when help "from outside" is vital.

Soft repetition of all stages

This stage continues throughout the following year.

On the first anniversary, a surge of grief is possible. Nevertheless, a person has already learned to control his feelings, which, moreover, are not so acute.

In the middle of "this" year, it is also possible to renew the manifestation of feelings of guilt. However, it is this period that is most calm and no longer requires the constant presence of someone who is able to console and give at least some relief - the closest person.

Dealing with our own grief

Answering the question of how to survive the death of a loved one, we started from afar, describing the provision of assistance to another. Now let's look at how to help yourself get out of such a morally and mentally difficult situation. Some experience you already have based on the above, however.

Never refuse the help of relatives and friends. Even if you've never spoken your feelings out loud, it's time to do so.

This assistance will be especially needed in the first few months. After all, life goes on, and people close to you will help you go through all the bureaucratic circles. In addition to the above, it is communication with other people that will help to quickly dull and get rid of the pain of loss.

Never be alone. Reach out to people or ask someone to spend the night with you. At such a time, it is vital to feel the support and care of others even when you have always been proud of your willpower and self-sufficiency. Always wait and look for those who you can cry on your shoulder and do not be shy about your tears.

If your grief is too great, try to visit at least one appointment with a psychologist. Take care of yourself - this will help you get through the dark times easier. Give in to your feelings. Stay away from alcohol and drugs. Do not rely on cigarettes for help.

Immerse yourself in creativity or express feelings materially. Never, ever allow your grief to be limited by any time frame or ways of expressing it. No one can tell when you'll feel better, point out that it's time to "move on" or it's time to "get over your emotions." Allow yourself to experience all that is truly possible without any embarrassment or self-judgment. Allow yourself to cry, burst into tears, yell at the whole world, but if you see fit, you can hold back tears. You are free in your actions.

Try to smile as much as possible. Make yourself laugh when you remember something very good in your life or someone else's. Try to find at least some grains of joy, naturally, when you are ready for it.

How to deal with the loss of a loved one Experiencing a serious loss, a person can fall into such despair that all attempts to help himself will seem pointless to him. It seems that the world is collapsing and will never get easier.

How to deal with the loss of a loved one

09.11.2018

Pozharisky I.

Most people at one time or another in their lives have to deal with the loss of a dear person. As a rule, everything happens suddenly and […]

Most people at one time or another in their lives have to deal with the loss of a loved one. As a rule, everything happens suddenly and unsettles for a long time. Such events cause a significant blow to the psyche, destroy the individual picture of the world. This may not necessarily be death, but also an unplanned divorce or simply the interruption of a long relationship. The feeling of inner mental pain can be so strong that it becomes difficult to reason logically, to make sound decisions. Here it is not surprising to get confused, to stop feeling the value of life. How to cope with the loss of a loved one? Let's try to understand this difficult issue. Below are some actionable tips to keep in mind.

Acceptance of what happened

This is very difficult to do at first, but still necessary. If you fail to pass the first stage of mourning, the process of recovery can drag on for many years. People who have experienced the loss of a dear being are forever changed. They will never again take life lightly, because they have known its wisdom and sadness. Maybe outwardly it is not so noticeable, but an indelible mark remains in the soul. Even with the passage of time, the heart is empty and heavy. Sometimes it is so hard that the usual actions seem like an unbearable burden that is difficult to cope with. For example, a person by force takes food, washes, dresses, communicates with other people as needed. He has to force himself to perform elementary actions in which he no longer sees any point. Accepting what happened does not mean forgetting what happened. It means being able to continue living on, despite the fact that you don’t want anything else.

Getting support

If during acute grief there is no one nearby to help cope with despair, then the person closes in on himself. This happens inevitably, because the way out of negative emotions is not found. A negative factor can so deprive of peace of mind that an individual long time he will not be able to see a worthy exit for himself. Getting support is necessary for anyone who is left alone, has lost the opportunity to hear the voice of a loved one. No need to refuse the help of family and friends. Who else can help better than parents, friends or children? It is at such moments that a person begins to feel that he is not alone in the whole world. Support is so significant that it cannot be refused.

Give free rein to feelings

Tears help you get over the loss. You can not squeeze the feelings so much as to harm yourself. That is why it is not recommended to forbid yourself to cry at all. Let your feelings out, there's nothing to be ashamed of. If there are a lot of people around you, it can be uncomfortable to cry in public. However, if you find it difficult to hold back tears, you do not need to overpower yourself. People are quite capable of understanding your condition, for sure, they also experienced something similar. There is no need to constantly apologize for your condition. Believe that you are not at all to blame for this. Behave naturally. This way you can get rid of bitterness faster than you can imagine.

Find meaning

Surviving the loss of a loved one will become easier if you can find some specific meaning. Women who are left alone often transfer all their love to their children. If there is no own child, then attention can switch to a pet - a dog or a cat. Finding meaning is very important. Only in this way can you continue to live actively, without driving yourself into his great experiences. No matter how sad and painful, you need to continue to act. How more sense, the easier it will be to restore peace of mind. You need to find a point of support in yourself that will give strength. To strive to feel better is a completely natural desire that needs to be cultivated in every possible way. Don't run away from your own feelings. May the presence of a higher meaning give you strength.

Work

If this makes you feel better, you should strive to keep yourself busy. professional activity. Work can sometimes have a pronounced medicinal effect. When the brain is busy solving a complex problem, it becomes somewhat easier to experience what happened. Even if the loss really happened recently, it will be easier to deal with it. It is necessary to survive the loss with dignity, so as not to harm yourself. Some people agree to work almost seven days a week, just not to return their thoughts to the fact that they were left alone. It doesn’t work right away, but if you don’t give yourself the opportunity to think about something else, then over time it becomes much easier on your heart.

Occupation to your liking

It is best to try to find a business that will captivate you with your head. A hobby can bring a feeling of deep inner satisfaction. You can devote yourself to drawing or embroidery. It will be very useful to have a pet and take good care of it. Over time, the mental pain will dull and will no longer be felt so intensely. Even if it seems to you now that this is basically impossible, believe that it is not. You can always find something that will inspire and bring joy. If a person is engaged in any activity with a soul, then in the end everything works out for him. Especially useful physical labor and creative work. Physical labor helps to forget, to get rid of the clamps in the body, since all negative energy comes out through movement. creative work opens the soul, helps it get rid of the oppressive hopelessness. All painful sensations pass with time.

To be open

This is necessary in order not to isolate yourself from people. Openness is a quality of character that is so necessary for maintaining a happy attitude. A person who knows how to interact with others, as a rule, endures any hardships of fate more easily. Even in the most difficult situation, it is necessary to remember that next to us there are always people who deserve attention. In most cases, we suffer not because no one helps us, but because we do not want to accept help. Pride interferes with someone, a sense of wounded dignity prevents others. In fact, there is nothing humiliating in leaning on a stronger shoulder in difficult moments of life. Believe that this is not forever. The time will come, your inner state will return to normal. When you can feel better, you will notice that you have never really been alone. The ability to be open is a highly desirable attitude that should be wished for by every individual who has despaired.

To do good

Strive to help those who are worse off than you. Believe me, there will definitely be such people. You should not think that you are the most unfortunate person in the universe, although it seems to you right now. There are different situations in life. Perhaps someone close to you may need help or advice. Do not refuse, do not lock yourself in your own grief. If you strive to notice what is happening around, then life will become easier. When we do good deeds, we open our hearts to others. As a result, it heals. Mental pain gradually recedes, giving way to a vague understanding that everything is not in vain. You can always find a meaning for the sake of which it is worth continuing to live, work, do good, selfless deeds.

Learn to trust

Sometimes this skill needs to be mastered again, especially if a loved one has betrayed, made you doubt your decency. No matter how painful and scary it is, try to make certain attempts to correct an unsatisfactory situation. Sometimes learning to trust after having a negative experience becomes very difficult. It takes a lot of effort not to despair and not to give up. Not all people are ready to overcome themselves every day, to constantly work on themselves. You must try to eradicate resentment from your own heart. Otherwise, you will never be happy. Give yourself a chance to let go of the negativity you've experienced. Let go of negative emotions, do not let them affect your life.

Rethinking what happened

The manifestation of feelings does not end with a simple fixation on one's experiences. We need to rethink what happened, learn from it some lesson. If a loved one has passed away, you need to let him go. When you are betrayed and deceived, in fact, you need to do the same. Only in this case you will not be tormented by an indelible feeling of guilt in the future. The past holds both wisdom and negative consequences. You need to be very careful with it so as not to inadvertently harm yourself. No matter how hard it is for you, you must definitely ensure that you do not neglect rest and good nutrition. Even if you don’t feel like eating at all, do not give up the usual delicacies. Take care of yourself and you will soon see that it becomes easier. If you have trouble sleeping, you can use sedatives. Just do not overdo it, so as not to cause the appearance of adverse reactions.

Thus, it is imperative to help yourself cope with the loss of a loved one. No one says that it is easy, however, one should not give up. If possible, it is best to seek professional psychological help. Psychotherapeutic work in the center of Irakli Pozharisky help restore mental health, understand their own difficult condition.

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depression

The death of a loved one is an irreparable loss. How to help another person go through this difficult period of life? And how to survive the death of a loved one yourself, when it seems that life has stopped, and happiness without it is simply impossible?

No one wants to touch the topic of death - it touches us by itself! It happens suddenly and stunningly. Then her blow is even stronger, and the shock of the experienced shock leaves scars not only in the soul, but also on the body. How to survive the death of a loved one and not go crazy with grief? How can you help someone who is experiencing the pain of loss? The answer is given by Yuri Burlan's System-Vector Psychology, which shows that our entire psyche, like a thin lace, is woven from two forces - the force of life and the force of death.

The death of a loved one is an irreparable loss.

Why such unbearable pain? Empty inside and empty outside. You just don't know how to live. The death of a loved one seems to be thrown into another reality: into a meaningless and empty world, in which there is no person dear to the heart.

When a person is suddenly overtaken by the departure of a loved one, he forgets about everything. At this moment, the brain seems to turn off, and he walks like a somnambulist, stumbling not only on the things of a loved one, but also on memories of him.

And the memories are overwhelmed by a wave of emotions, and in the heart again and again there is pain from the loss of a loved one. And now the tears are choking, there is a lump in the throat, there are no words, the legs just give way. How to cope with the loss of a loved one?

And if someone from your environment experiences the loss, you are also bitter and hurt, but already for him. I want to help, but do not know how to find words of comfort.

You see how his whole being resists the news of the loss. You seem to hear him mentally screaming: “I don’t believe it! It can't be! It's not fair that this good man passed away!" And then loneliness, longing, unbridled grief suck him into their quagmire. I want to reach out to him, get him out of there. But how?

How to help another person go through this difficult period of life? And how to survive the death of a loved one yourself, when it seems that life has stopped and happiness without it is simply impossible? Let's figure it out in this article.

Psychological aspects of the experience of death

Most people take death hard. Everyone reacts to death in their own way. Everything is due to the unconscious features of our psyche. The system-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan classifies all these properties and unconscious desires, calling them vectors. And since people are not the same, recommendations on how to survive the death of a loved one also depend on the psychology of a person.

A person lives among other people. And we all have an innate set of vectors for fulfilling our role in society. Someone has been given an excellent memory, another - increased emotionality, a third - a brilliant mind, etc. Mixing different vectors creates a unique pattern of the psyche.

That's why Each person experiences loss in their own way. Some start, others rampantly, others fall into, and some confidently take on all the trouble of organizing.

As the system-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan says, a person is always a desire to survive and continue oneself in time. In a state of superstress - and death is certainly such a state - unconscious programs of adaptation come into play.

These are unconscious reactions, and a person simply does not understand what is happening to him. Why is he drawn into the abyss of fear, why does he fall into a stupor or, on the contrary, begins to flicker?

What does it depend on? From those innate properties that nature has endowed us with. And they are all different. Surviving the loss of a loved one, coping with longing and hopelessness will be easier when you realize what is happening to the psyche.

When a person feels guilty

Among us there are special people for whom family, children, friends, gratitude, justice are super-values. All life events pass through this most important filter of perception for them. It is easy for such a person to sink into a sense of guilt, feeling pain because he did not thank the departed during his lifetime. The owners of these properties experience special, unbearable pain from the death of a beloved child - it is felt as a loss of the meaning of life.

Such a person also tends to immerse himself in memories, especially if they are pleasant memories. In this state, a person loses his foothold. He needs help to regain his balance. Death is a huge shock for him, he unconsciously tries to return to the past, when everything was fine. In this state, he begins to live in memories.

From one news of the death of a loved one, such a person's legs give way, palpitations begin, shortness of breath. He might even get sick with his heart. It is especially difficult for the owner of the anal vector to survive the death of the mother. To adapt the loss of a loved one and return to life again, the bearer of these properties always needs more time than the rest.

Who falls into hysterics from the loss of a loved one

Overcoming a sudden loss is especially difficult for people with a visual vector. Because at the heart of their psyche lies the root fear - the fear of death. It is they who, from the pain of loss, very often begin to sob, sink into self-pity or fall into hysterics, that is, they become locked in the lower states of the visual vector. A sudden break in the emotional connection with the departed is a huge stress for such people, they do not control themselves, they do not understand how to survive this death and get out of difficult conditions.

As they go downhill, they get sucked in more and more by the vortex of fear of death. It is possible to get out of such difficult states only by understanding the whole mechanism and amplitude of visual states, to which more than 20 hours are devoted to Yuri Burlan's training.

It is people with a visual vector who run the risk of plunging into a state of self-pity, which is actually very destructive, because it locks the sufferer on himself and again on himself unhappy. And the visual vector belongs to the four extraverted vectors for which isolation is unnatural and harmful.

This is one of the biggest mistakes that leads to later health problems for the bereaved. He develops psychosomatic illnesses.

So how not to lose your mind from grief, and also help another to survive these states and not fall into unbridled self-pity and endless longing?

Tears help you cope with the death of a loved one.

But tears are different. In a state of loss, when an unbearable tragedy clouds the mind, we begin to cry out of fear for ourselves. A whole circle of thoughts rushes through my head: how will I live without a close, beloved, dear person?

We often cry in self-pity. But tears can bring relief if you can redirect the vector of attention from yourself to others, to those who are also feeling bad right now. Visual people have a unique talent for empathy and compassion: the desire to support and comfort another will bring you great relief in how to survive the loss of a loved one.

Of course, the loss of a loved one is a difficult situation. It is important to understand everything psychological features these states, then you will be able not only to cope with the pain yourself, but also to help other people who have experienced a loss.

When the death of a loved one is the greatest tragedy

But a person with an anal-visual combination of vectors experiences the loss especially strongly. For the anal vector, the greatest value is family, mother, children. For the visual, these are emotional connections with other people.

When a person has such a bond, for him the loss is a huge blow to his super-values, it is a break in an emotional connection that can never be restored.

Here, memories of the past and lost emotional ties are woven into a tight knot. He is simply drawn into a whirlpool of memories, where he remembers all the good things, and some insults, and disappointments. All this at the same time has a very bright emotional color, and he gets worse and worse, up to panic attacks and the inability to move his legs.

Naturally, colleagues, relatives and friends learn about the loss. They, of course, always offer help and support. But a person immersed in grief often unconsciously pushes away a helping hand. You must have come across such situations. It is important to understand that a person still needs help. How to help him?

A person in grief - a special approach is needed

It is necessary to support loved ones skillfully. System-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan gives such advice.

Be sure to support the person sincerely and wholeheartedly, but do not fall into lamentations like “how are you going to live now?”.

Moreover, if you hear such notes, you need to be very attentive, make mental efforts and try to bring his longing into bright memories.

Do not let the impressionable and emotional owners of the visual vector draw scary pictures in their imagination.

Of course, in the first days he will be immersed in his grief, but later he must be brought out into society. Help him see that someone else is having a harder time than he is.

Those who love to live in memories can express their feelings through memoirs written for posterity about such a wonderful person.

So death is always an occasion to remember the good that was associated with this person. Remember what the departed did in his life, remember joyful, happy moments and understand that a person close to you left his own unique mark in this world.

You can survive the death of a loved one

First of all, if one of your loved ones is suffering from a loss, talking to him, talk about the fact that life goes on and going through hard times is best in society.

After all, the loss of loved ones is a natural and natural stage of life. Life goes on! And only we choose what energy to fill life with: the energy of joy, the light that will remain after us, or longing and grief, when they will shy away from you and try to bypass everyone around.

This is what the participants of the training say, who got rid of pain, and the departure of a loved one became for them a page of bright sadness instead of a terrible and unbearable pain of the heart.

The death of a loved one - a tragedy or a new chord of life?

Man does everything to continue himself in time. And naturally, each of the loved ones leaves their mark. Someone in their children, another in science or art, and some in general leave a deep mark on the soul of all mankind.

The tragedy of the death of a loved one is not the final chord of your life, but an opportunity to think about how your life sounds in the present. Are there any false notes in it, are you doing everything to leave your unique mark on the earth.

Life after death

Life is a cycle of energy, which, as you know, does not disappear without a trace. So there is no real death. The universe is arranged according to the holographic principle. Even from a piece of a small leaf, a holographic trace of the whole leaf remains.

So we do not disappear into nowhere - we leave our mark: both material and spiritual.

Humans are actually much stronger than we think. It is much easier for a person to survive the shock of death when he has something to live for. When there is something that depends only on him, on his efforts and that is much greater than himself. And it is not always children or other relatives, sometimes a person is forced to live by an idea, the embodiment of which is the meaning of his life.

It is possible to get rid of the pain of loss, and most importantly, to survive it without loss to health, when we become aware of the unconscious mechanisms that govern our lives. You can start getting acquainted with these powerful forces, restore their natural balance at the free online training Systemic Vector Psychology by Yuri Burlan.

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The article was written based on the materials of the training " System-Vector Psychology»

One of the family members. Of course, we are talking about premature death. The death of a family member before the family has passed the main stages of the life cycle. That is, before the children grew up and gained independence, created their own families, had a job, lived independently, and so on. Premature death is not death at some age, but death before the family, by and large, has completed its family cycle. For example, a father dies when the children have not yet completed their education, have not entered independent life, or even earlier, or the hostess, the mother, dies while the children are still small.

Archpriest Andrei Lorgus

First of all, it is important to understand that the family and each family member individually experiences death in much the same way that a person experiences the acceptance of a diagnosis or a state of grief. Here are the same stages according to Kübler-Ross: numbness or shock, death denial, anger, compassion, acute grief, family disorganization, because the functionality of the family is disrupted, the distribution of roles is disrupted. Then some kind of reorganization occurs, accompanied by a decrease in the intensity of grief, acceptance of the loss of a family member. Then there is a restoration - the family grieves. Mourning can stretch, as we will see later, for quite a long time.

The first symptom of a family recovering from shock is some reorganization of the family, accompanied by a decrease in the intensity of grief. This means that as soon as the family begins to redistribute the functions and roles that each member of the family has, as soon as the family adapts to a new way of life, the feeling of depression, confusion, and helplessness immediately decreases. This happens because by engaging in active work, a person discovers a way out of the created situation, which gives a sense of his own strength. Such activity, active participation, reduces or overcomes the feeling of helplessness and impotence. That is, here it is in inverse proportion - as soon as people begin to somehow change the state of their attitude towards loss, these negative qualities. But this does not mean at all that grief disappears. Grief is here at almost all stages, and we will further consider what grief is from a psychological point of view.

Symptoms of "normal" grief

Erich Lindemann (1900 - 1980) identified the symptoms of "normal" grief, that is, grief that normally develops in every person. This can be applied to families as well. Let's first look at the symptoms of "normal grief" in order to then answer the question of how to work with grief.

Primarily, physical symptoms. This is what we observe in a person in whose family a death has occurred. First of all, these are periodic bouts of physical suffering - these are tears, sobs, fainting, heart attacks, and so on. In addition, such a person may feel emptiness in the chest, emptiness in the abdomen, weakness, loss of muscle strength: the person simply sits, his hands literally lie on his knees or hang along the body, cannot raise them, his head is overturned, the person either lies or lays head on hands. He has difficulty breathing, choking, there may be shortness of breath, acute hypersensitivity to noise, severe irritability to noise, dry mouth, throat spasms, difficulty breathing, heart attacks, and so on and so forth.

There may be one of these symptoms, or there may be all at once. But one must understand that one who is next to a person in acute grief should, first of all, take care of the physical symptoms in the first stage of work with grief. That is, in order for a person experiencing acute grief, and who has similar symptoms, the first thing: to breathe, and you need to breathe forcibly, that is, literally do breathing exercises to breathe; secondly, in order for a person to sleep, for this, perhaps, it is necessary to give him sleeping pills; further: for a person to eat - necessarily, through force, some, but he must eat; and that he should have the opportunity to rest in silence, that he be given some peace, that is, not to call to the phone, and, of course, he should not go to work. Yes, a person can take some physical work, that is, something to do around the house, but very limited, because, as we have already noted here, he most likely has a loss of muscle strength.

Behavioral Components. First of all, it is noticeable in speech: interrupted speech, haste or, on the contrary, slowness of speech, the impression that a person is taking a drug. Or freezing on one phrase. Of course, confusion, inconsistency of speech. Lack of interest in business, everything seems to fall out of hand. A change in eating behavior, for example, a lack of appetite, and this must be fought - it is impossible to cause an appetite, this is an internal desire, so you need to force a person to eat a little, a little. And this requires constant work - you need to prepare a person, you need to follow. Usually a person says: "Well, go, go, I'll eat later." No. You have to make sure he eats and drinks. If someone wants to help a person in acute grief, then he should stay with him.

In the cognitive realm, that is, in the field of intellect, a person in acute grief loses confidence in himself, he thinks: “But I can’t do it. I won't be able to. Don't believe me, I don't know anything." Confusion of thoughts - yes, it can be, difficulties with concentration, with attention - this also happens. But, as a rule, a person notices this in himself.

emotional sphere- feelings and experiences. . First of all, anger at what happened to him, to his family, to his loved ones. This anger, by the way, is most often suppressed by people, but suppressed anger turns into depression, because depression is repressed aggression, we must remember this. Feelings of helplessness, guilt, very acute guilt. The closer the person who died, the more acute the feeling of guilt. Why? “If I had, I would not have allowed this accident. If I tried, if I found doctors, if I got medicine, if, if, if…”, - very often relatives accuse themselves of the fact that they are to blame for death. Or a feeling of guilt that “I was inattentive,” “I didn’t talk,” “I left,” “I left him alone,” and so on and so forth.

By the way, what is very important, often in close people after the death of a close and not very close person, fear and anxiety for their health and their future arise as a resonance. I often observe during consultations when a person comes and says that he has experienced panic attacks, and very often in the past, in the recent past of such a person, the fact of the death of a close or not very close relative arises. For example, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, second cousins, brothers. Especially, of course, parents. When someone in the family dies, and a person who knew him closely participates, as if close to death, to this loss, fear for his own life, for his own health arises as a resonance.

And very often this fear, suppressed fear turns into acute unconscious anxiety, which can grow into such symptom complexes as panic attacks. Therefore, it is here, in this area of ​​family experience, that it is very important to express concern for one's health. These reactions are normal. This is normal grief. Please note that it is very important to understand that very often aggravated fears, anxieties, panic attacks, depressions can be the result of the death of a loved one in the recent past.

How to express anxiety? Generally speaking, all the feelings that a person has must be expressed. What does it mean to express? This means at least two things: firstly, to recognize, to be aware of, and secondly, to pronounce or express in some other way. But, at least, if you recognize anxiety, anger in yourself, you can recognize them in yourself, this is the first very important fact, and the second - you can say about it. With whom and how, when to express it, when to voice it, it is already necessary to look at the situation. That's what close people and friends are for.

What to do with guilt? Guilt is a separate matter. But we must understand that very often, when a loved one dies, we have partly imaginary guilt, neurotic guilt, partly genuine guilt. And we must understand the difference between them, this is work with a specialist, but it takes a long time. In any case, at the moment of acute grief with a sense of guilt, it is very difficult to work or it is better not to work.

The time of mourning is depicted here, when grief touches.

First stage, from a day to two - this is shock and denial of loss. What does loss denial mean? For example, when relatives are informed of a death, they do not believe it. They literally don't believe it. That is, they begin to continue to turn to doctors, to relatives so that they confirm to them that this is actually not the case. Some family members may be stuck in this stage of loss denial for years or the rest of their lives. I know such women who do not believe in the death of their child, for example, and continue to preserve the entire situation in the house, the things of the deceased child, maintaining for themselves a ghostly illusory myth that the child will return to his house, where his things are waiting, where he is waiting for him. room and all.

Being stuck in this denial stage is very painful and can lead to such dysfunction in the family that it can literally fall apart. Many family members will simply leave such a family, they cannot continue to stay in it, because it is impossible to live next to someone who continues to expect a long-dead, buried and buried, inveterate family member.

During first week Of course, there is exhaustion, because there were funerals, there was a burial, there was a funeral service, meetings, commemorations, and so on. The emotional and physical exhaustion of the family is very pronounced here. And, of course, here you need to take care of friends and acquaintances, relatives and family members themselves that the family needs rest, solitude, silence, peace.

Two to five weeks, that is, something like a month: many family members return to everyday life - to work, to their usual way of life, to their affairs, which were interrupted for a week, perhaps for some less, for others more. And then the closest ones feel more loss, because the guests have left, and distant relatives have returned to their lives. They are left with this emptiness of loss. And they have a more acute anguish, anger, grief. The shock passes, there comes a time of acute mourning, which can last for a very long time - from one and a half months to three months, a transitional stage of melancholy and anger sets in.

Three months to one year mourning lasts, one might say, a feeling of helplessness, regressive behavior of family members. For example, one of the family members may suddenly turn into a kind of small child who needs additional care and supervision. Perhaps someone will be affected to a greater extent. And someone will look for a substitute for this behavior - someone who, as it were, will take on the function of the deceased. It can be a variety of family members. Children replace the departed parent, the parent sometimes plays the role of the dead child, and so on. That is, amazing adventures with a substitute for behavior take place here. Of course, with pathological behavior, with behavior that brings even more dysfunction to the family, in addition to grief itself.

Finally, it happens anniversary. This is a very important moment when the family, in fact, has the opportunity to celebrate this anniversary. Anniversary is some very an important event when private grief rises to family symbolic grief, when ritual completion is performed. That is, this is a commemoration, this is a commemoration, this is a divine service, this is a prayer, this is a trip to the cemetery, maybe even to another city, to another district. But, in any case, the relatives gather again, and the common grief alleviates the grief of the closest relatives. If there is no stuck, because often the closest relatives are not ready to part with their mourning, not ready to part with their grief.

What does stuck mean? Stuck is when a family can't get past a certain stage of mourning and the individual can't get over it. And this means that he does not return to everyday life, he continues to live in a pathological life, where his mental state again and again destroys his health.

Finally, one and a half to two years after the loss, the family has the opportunity to return to their former life. Of course, to the former, but already without the one who left forever. That is, by this time, the functions of the family have been redistributed in one way or another. The structure has again come into some balance due to new roles: roles have been replaced, functions have been redistributed, the structure again continues to be in some kind of balance. Of course, in a new balance.

If a family loses an unborn child, what will be the specifics of the stages? The stages are not the same. Here, too, grief, and here it is very important that the mother and father of an unborn child jointly experience, live through this grief. Here, as a rule, outsiders do not participate, who may simply not be privy to it. Therefore, it is very important here that the parents of this child - mother and father, husband and wife - so that they go through this grief together, not separately, but together, so that they help themselves to go through these stages. But to some extent, it is similar to the loss of a child, only there is no contact, there is no visual memory, auditory memory, empathy with this child. Everything is a little different here, and the circumstances under which the child died are still very important. If the circumstances are somehow related to the lifestyle of the couple or specifically the mother who carried this child, then there will, of course, be a very serious problem with guilt. And if there was some unforeseen problem with health or something else, then there will also be a feeling of guilt from the fact that not everything was done, or it depended on something, there may be mutual accusations of heredity, and so on, there is a specificity here.

What does it mean to deal with the grief of family and loved ones? First of all, it is important to help the family go through all the stages. How? Each stage has its own symptoms of behavior. Let's say, at the stage of longing and anger, it is very important to help with a close recollection of the life of the deceased, re-experiencing his whole life, starting from the most early years his life, look through his archives, his deeds, his photographs. And at this stage, by the way, certain myths are born, which is not bad, because the family copes with grief in this way. Certain ideas are born, there are some memorial ideas for a monument, compiling an album, and so on. That is, there are many very important things here that help to survive. And if someone helps a family survive, it means that he listens, listens many times to the same thing about the deceased - about how he was sick, about how he died, about what family members were going through at that moment, this is everything is very important.

Helpers

As a matter of fact, the work of family helpers, friends, relatives - this is what it is to be present in the family and listen endlessly to these stories, these repetitions that change from time to time, and this is partly help in overcoming grief. And, of course, you need to take care of loved ones who are experiencing grief, so that they sleep, eat, rest and slowly return to the life that continues to wait for them.

Of course, once again I must say that working with acute grief, working with people who have experienced plight, is serious work, and it begins, first of all, with the resources of the helpers themselves. That is, helpers need diagnostics, helpers need training before they take it on. Naturally, if we are talking about relatives, no one asks them. Relatives meet with grief because they are relatives, and not at all because they undertook to help. But if they are volunteers, if they are close acquaintances, then they should understand that they can help only if they themselves know how to regulate their emotional behavior, they themselves can be quite emotionally stable. And here is another very important thing: everyone who helps in acute grief needs to undergo a course of healing from superstitions and magic.

Questions

Is there a risk when relatives do not leave, but remain to support the most grieving family member, that by doing so they will slow down the passage of the stage of grief and, on the contrary, prolong the process?

No, on the contrary. If they linger, stay in the family where the death occurred, they help overcome grief. Because, I say again, the life of the deceased is re-lived, repeated, told. These are all important psychotherapeutic rituals that help, and loved ones are exactly those people who can help the family.

What help can be provided if substitutionary behavior occurs in the family?

If family members accept this substitutionary behavior and do not want to get rid of it, there is hardly any help. For example, it often happens that a child is born within a year or two after the death of one of the family members. And sometimes it is called the name of the deceased. Or even more than that, they appoint him, as it were, to replace that one, especially if this eldest child has died, then the younger one who is born is appointed as if to be his deputy. Or if, for example, the father died, the eldest daughter takes over the functions of the father in order to replace the father for the mother and other children.

Unfortunately, in such cases, the family is reluctant to realize this really pathological situation, because such a situation suits them. And very often both the “deputy” himself and those who accept this substitute assistance may be satisfied with such a situation. But when the family or these family members are ready to realize what is happening to them, that's when they can be helped to realize why it happened and what happened in the family in this situation. Therefore, it is not always possible to help.

If it is obvious that a person is stuck in some stage of mourning, but does not acknowledge it, how can you help him?

If a person does not want to leave this stage, he cannot be forcibly dragged somewhere. But at least you can be around and not participate in his myths. For example, a mother, looking at a photograph of her son, addresses him as if he were alive, tries to talk to him, consult with him. You are not required to participate. And you may not explain or expose the mother, but you may not participate in this myth. You can quite soberly and unequivocally speak of a person as if he had died, pray for him, commemorate him and not pretend that you also think that the person is not dead. Now that would be enough help. In any case, a person suffering from such a stuckness may pay attention, may ask you for help, and it may be easier for him next to you. Or maybe he will push you away with aggression, drive you away. But at least he would have a chance to learn the truth from someone who was by his side.

We must understand that where a person wants to be deceived, wants to live in an unreal world, wants to live with a myth, we cannot convince him, we cannot force him to live in reality. But we ourselves, living nearby, can continue to live in reality without playing along with the mythology of another.

Prepared by Tamara Amelina