Instruction
Introverts differ from extroverts in that they draw energy not from the outside world and the people around them, but look for it inside themselves. Introversion is often confused with isolation, unsociableness, social phobia, but in fact, an introvert can, if desired, be sociable, not, open and friendly. But communication with other people and focus on the outside world require him to spend energy, so periods of loneliness and solitude are very important for him.
It is more difficult for introverts to live in a modern society, where such qualities as sociability, activity, curiosity, the desire for competition, openness are considered important and encouraged, and isolation, reticence, closeness are condemned and perceived as shortcomings. The popularity of loud concerts, huge open offices, multi-city tours in five days in the company of other tourists and other phenomena show that life is mainly aimed at extroverts.
Extrovert parents are trying to "stir up" their children, thereby forming complexes in them, the school is trying to instill in students a desire for social activity, causing only rejection in the child. These labels lead to the fact that the introvert begins to consider himself flawed and tries to fight his own characteristics, and in fact - with himself, but does not achieve results. Introverts can learn to successfully imitate extraversion, communicate a lot and often with people, spend more time in society, but this takes away their strength, so they still seek solitude to relax.
Don't fight your features. Don't conform to the world, and try to remake it for yourself. This does not mean that you need to cut off all ties and be left alone. You need to learn how to take breaks and rest in order to restore your strength. Try to avoid those situations in which you will suffer from your introversion - do not go to noisy parties, do not support empty conversations in lines, do not let people you barely know invade your privacy. But do not forget that you should not refuse either.
Customize to suit your needs. Find a job that suits your needs - don't be an account manager, but become an accountant, writer, editor. If you are going to relax, choose not crowded places, small hotels, do not take excursions, but see the sights on your own or in company with family or friends.
Develop self-confidence, introverts tend to worry about little things and look for flaws in themselves, but this attitude will lead to low self-esteem and increased anxiety. Love yourself and don't treat your nature with respect.
When I tell strangers that I am an introvert, no one believes me. At first glance, it seems that my life is full of communications - I speak at conferences, conduct interviews, manage a team, act as a mentor for colleagues. It is believed that the ability to communicate automatically makes a person the ringleader and the soul of the company, which does not at all fit with the image of an introvert in the minds of the majority. But I get tired of socializing like any other introvert. Just one day I realized that if you organize your own life not in spite of, but taking into account my temperament, you can restore your strength qualitatively and hardly notice any inconvenience.
There is one problem with the concept of "introvert" - everyone fills it with their own set of stereotypes. They say that introverts are unsociable, shy, do not know how to express their thoughts, do not like other people and generally prefer to sit in their lair and silently look at the computer. But if you remove all the stereotypical husks and get to the essence that its creator Carl Gustav Jung put into the concept of "introvert", it turns out that this is just a person with a focus on the inner world. Interactions with the outside world are a burden for the introvert and require effort, sometimes quite serious. And in order to relax and gain strength for new interactions, he needs to be alone for a while and be silent.
Of course, introvert introvert strife. Introversion and extraversion is not a dichotomy, but rather a scale on which you are closer to either the center or one of the poles. That's why everyone needs to rest. different time- one half a day, the second is enough for half an hour. But in the 21st century, the world does not leave us alone for a minute. They call us, write to messengers, send notifications. If you do not set a framework for the world, you will never be able to rest. How can an introvert make life less tiring?
Plan "quiet hours"
We are accustomed to scheduling meetings and other things, and to assume that the time for which nothing is scheduled is rest by default. But in fact, it turns out that the rest time is occupied by new things - we call our parents, play with children, go to the hairdresser and pick up clothes from the dry cleaners. And all these activities require communication with other people, which means that an introvert cannot fully relax behind them.
When I realized that the world did not stop communicating with me, I reviewed my schedule and set aside an hour in the morning, before going to work, and a couple of hours in the evening before going to bed - for “silence”. Those who, like me, work in IT are often lucky with a free schedule - we can manage our time more flexibly. The ability to sometimes work from home also helps a lot - whatever one may say, and in the office there are much more chances to start conversations with everyone in a row on any topic. It is very important to plan for "silence", and not to expect that the issue will somehow resolve itself. The world has no motivation to protect your boundaries, so there is only one way out: to defend them yourself.
Sometimes I schedule "quiet hours" even during working hours. I resort to this option when the day promises to be extremely busy: for example, I already have five meetings scheduled, and they can send requests for a couple more. Then I put a blank in the calendar and during this time I focus on work that does not require communication. During this interval, it is also better to turn off mail and messenger notifications - not only because they distract from work, but also because these micro-interactions take away your resource and you get more tired.
I am an introvert.
I like to live alone, to be alone, to relax and recharge - I need to be alone.
I do not know how to behave at parties and in unfamiliar companies. It's all stress for me, not fun.
I take a long time to settle down in new teams.
I prefer to remain inconspicuous and "not stick out."
As a child, the most terrible moment for me was when they come to visit. Especially this one: "Sveta, go say hello to Uncle Volodya." I liked Uncle Volodya, but I terribly did not want to greet anyone. Once, when I heard Uncle Volodya in the corridor, I hid in a closet and sat there until he left. Three hours, three o'clock. A specific uncle has nothing to do with it: I was terribly embarrassed to go out to people. To all.
At school, I was the most gray of all possible mice.
When I found myself in a big company, there was always a strange feeling that I did not belong to it and generally passed by by chance. Even if we've all known each other for three years. Even if it was my own birthday!
I read Carnegie's books on how to win friends, and I thought: well, how am I going to go to my classmates now, start talking and smiling? After all, they know very well what I am! No one will believe me, and everyone will laugh.
At the same time, I have always been fascinated by crowds.
How does it work, I thought, when you accidentally find yourself at a concert of a group that you never even liked, the mood is lousy, and before you have time to come to your senses, you are already jumping along with everyone in the fan zone almost to the ceiling, and you are overwhelmed with delight?
What about marathons? Yes, running out of the starting corridor along with a thousand of the same crazy ones, you don’t run with your feet, you soar on wings and don’t touch the ground at all!
How about that feeling when you and a team of 50 people complete some big project at work? And it does not matter at all what role you played in that very team. Even the cleaners. You too feel this joy and this belonging!
And what about the Olympics, when every single one feels pride in their country, even if yesterday they still vilified it with their last words or even left and renounced their citizenship?
Yes, when people get together, when they are tuned to the same wave, this is a force that cannot be expressed in words.
And all my life I wanted to belong to something like that. A big and noisy group of friends or an interesting project. I wanted to be and do with people!
But it didn't work. Therefore, over time, I decided that all these people are not for me. I'm an introvert, I don't need anyone. There are girlfriends with whom you can communicate in private, and that's enough. In general, these people who gather in flocks are somehow strange, what for they are needed. You have to be self-sufficient! There is nothing to break your nature and try to fit into big companies. It's just extra stress for me.
I was afraid of people: my old friends know that my favorite facial expression was a la “brick”. On the street, they never tried to hand me leaflets, passers-by didn’t ask for directions, guys didn’t come up to meet me, no one sat in the subway in an empty seat next to me. All because I could incinerate anyone I met with a single glance. It was really just a defense.
After graduating from school, I decided to completely change my life and went to study journalism. It was scary, because I suspected: they would send to people!
And so it happened.
At the first television practice, they gave me an operator, a sound engineer and even a car. When this whole company was behind me, of course I had to approach strangers and ask questions. It turned out that this is not very scary. It seems that no one even sent me.
Getting a job in the cinema, I already heard at the interview: we will take you if you are ready to deal with your complexes. I wanted this job to shiver, I had to lie that I was ready.
I had to call from day one. To strangers, often with very strange questions, often famous and very busy, and all of them, of course, saw me you know where. Sometimes for half a day I gathered my strength to make one call. Learned this too. A few months later, without blinking an eye, she could call anyone, even the president. True, my confidence ended outside the set, but in life everything remained the same.
Travel was the next discovery. Reading the reports of experienced people, I never understood how this was possible: I arrived in a new country, met the locals there, and now you are walking at a traditional Indian wedding. When I traveled, it was like this: I came to the hotel, talked with my girlfriend, with whom I arrived. At most, I managed to hang out with a seller from a gift shop. And that happened for the most part from his desire to sell us a hookah. How do people meet while traveling? Mystery.
The answer came in the form of a drunken Englishman who sat down with me in the restaurant of a shabby Indian hotel. I languished over my kyufta, from which steam poured out of my ears, and dreamed of one thing: that my idiotic vacation would end as soon as possible. Arrived alone in Calangute, Goa, and seems to be the only white tourist on the entire coast. I got tired of walking very quickly, the Indians did not allow passage, there was no smell of yoga, the food was disgusting and I spent my days in the hotel, enjoying the feeling of guilt and hopelessness. The Englishman, who, by the way, no one asked, decided: you urgently need to Hampi, because it is heaven on earth.
How I got there is another story.
The fact is that everyone there looked like they had known each other for a hundred years. And everyone was having fun and hanging out. And I was alone. I was alone for three days, and I felt terrible. And at one point, an unknown guy came up to me and said something. Looks like "hello".
Fir-trees-sticks, is that so simple?
I then met him, and then with many others, and learned to remove the expression of a brick from my face. I could speak first myself, and people started talking to me! That trip quickly hit the top of the list of the best adventures and stayed there for a long time.
True, upon returning to Moscow, everything was over. As if that mode was turned off and the brick mode was turned on again. But I already knew that inside me lives an open, friendly person who can meet others! One thing was not clear: how to transfer this mode to permanent.
It remained to train. Solo travel played a huge role in this matter. Travelers are more open and friendly than just people on the streets. They are the first to speak to you. When traveling, there are often situations when you have to ask for help. And there is no one to ask, except strangers!
Looking back, I see that I constantly put myself in situations where communication was necessary. It was often hard, and scary, and uncomfortable. But I have learned! The journey took only eight years.
I feel comfortable with people. Now I can talk to them myself. I gladly run out into the corridor to greet Uncle Volodya. I know how to travel! I am not afraid to go to meetings with strangers or unfamiliar people. And now I have a group of friends where I really feel like I belong. And finally, people on the street began to come up and ask how to get to the library. I guess I don't look so scary anymore!
I still sometimes turn on the brick mode. I still don't know what to do when my birthday is coming up - do I have to draw a crowd? I still feel uncomfortable in big companies. The worst thing is, perhaps, a large unfamiliar company, where everyone knows each other! But I sometimes go to these - to train social skills. I am far from complete victory, but sometimes it comes out just brilliant!
I don't think I'm breaking or remaking myself. I reveal my talents. I respect my nature and always make sure that in my life there is enough personal space and time alone with myself.
I'm still an introvert, but I love people and I'm good with people.
What is the first thing that comes to your mind when you hear the word "introvert"? Maybe you imagine a modest quiet person or an insecure loser? However, everything is not at all what you might think: the concept of an introvert is much broader and more interesting.
From the outside, introverts seem quiet and withdrawn, and sometimes even rude and aloof. But in fact, they are not at all as asocial as they might seem at first glance. Introverts can have a busy social life and close friends, and like to spend time in companies, just like extroverts. The difference between introverts and "ordinary" people is that they feel exhausted both mentally and physically from every such pastime. At such a moment, they need to exhale and spend some time alone to "recharge" - take a walk in the park, stay at home or listen to music while driving around the city. But why do introverts behave the way they do?
What does science say about it?
There are two neurotransmitters (or neurotransmitters) in our brain that are responsible for getting pleasure - they are dopamine and acetylcholine. Scientists have discovered that with an equal amount, acetylcholine works more actively in introverts, and dopamine works more actively in extroverts. Acetylcholine is responsible for the preservation of memories, the course of sleep, it is the so-called "slowing down" neurotransmitter. While dopamine is an energy stimulant that requires adrenaline next to it. An excess of dopamine in an introvert leads to overexcitation, and its lack leads to depression and depression. Thus, the division into types of characters can already reasonably be called conditional - if the amount of neurotransmitters in the brain is regulated in different ways, this will also affect the mental state of a person.Also, in one study * in 2012, it was proved that introverts have thinner gray matter in the prefrontal zone - this part of the brain is responsible for decision making and abstract thinking. It follows from this that an introvert, in order to make any decision, needs some time to think alone.
Test yourself and your loved ones and draw conclusions for the future when you are misunderstood, or you yourself call a harmless introvert a rare bore.
In a relationship, introverts can confuse you with their behavior.
Of course, dating an introvert is much more difficult than working with him. Here are some signs that you are an introvert:
Introverts prefer to be alone at work.
At work, introverts remain true to themselves - but they are not at all as gloomy as someone might think!
But remember, not all introverts are the same.
After reading this text, you can find some traits of an introverted character in yourself or better understand your friends. In any case, this is not some absolute truth - every person is unique, and every introvert too. If, on the contrary, you suffer from loneliness, and do not enjoy it, we advise you to check yourself for habits that repel people from you.What do you think is so special about introverts?
*Avram J. Holmes, Phil H. Lee. Individual Differences in Amygdala-Medial Prefrontal Anatomy Link Negative Affect, Impaired Social Functioning, and Polygenic Depression Risk. Journal of Neuroscience December 12, 2012.
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More dissimilar people than my husband and I are probably hard to find. I am a pronounced extrovert and a pathological optimist. He is an introvert, sociopath, and pessimist (although he prefers to call himself a realist). And oh, how difficult it is sometimes for us to be together.
I have many friends, dozens of buddies and more than 1000 Facebook friends. Husband has one best friend since school days, and the number of friends in his modest blog can be counted on the fingers (okay, on the fingers and toes).
I like to communicate, get acquainted, talk on serious topics and chat about nonsense. Husband - no. To put it mildly.
I'm not afraid to ask for help, turn to strangers. If in a new city I don't know the way, my first impulse is to ask a passer-by. And only then look in "Google Maps" on the phone. The husband will google the route for a long and tedious time if he is lucky with Wi-Fi. If not, he will buy a paper map at the nearest kiosk. And only when there is a question of life and death, will he turn to passers-by.
And so in everything. I love being photographed, my profiles are full of photos of me and the kids. My husband has not a single personal photo on social networks and Winnie the Pooh is on his profile picture.
How do we get along
When we lived in Russia, the difference in our temperaments and psychological portraits did not interfere in the least. family life. We had a job, I had many friends in both realities, my husband had his own narrow social circle. I went to dances, he went to aikido. We lived in love and harmony for nine happy years, realizing how different we are. It never bothered us until we moved to live in Germany. There, for some time, we were left alone with each other - without friends, without relatives, without the usual algorithms of actions. This is where our inner introvert and extrovert collided for life and death.
It's ridiculous to say why we fought in the first months after the move! It turns out that in our previous life - in the whirlwind of work, worries, friends, hobbies - my husband did not notice how much I am in everyday life, how much I talk. And I - I, of course, suspected that he was silent. But not to the same extent! While my husband was at work, I accumulated impressions throughout the day (of which, of course, there were plenty after moving to another country), and in the evening, having carefully filtered out the most important, I began to broadcast. The husband, after listening to a third, sighed heavily: “Do you still have a lot?”
Glory to Facebook! Glory to Facebook!
Social media has become my salvation. In social networks, in particular, on Facebook, everyone is good. Extroverts can socialize, socialize, socialize: interest groups, a personal blog, hundreds, thousands, tens of thousands of friends - as far as scope and need go. Introverts can communicate from the comfort of their own home, from their personal comfort zone, without violating fragile boundaries, with the ability to always hide back into their “house”. In a few months in exile, the number of my Facebook friends has rapidly grown to a thousand, it was they - my virtual friends - who helped me not to go crazy. I wrote, they read me, listened to me and gave feedback. It helped me survive.
By the way, my husband and I also fit into the new reality in another country at different speeds. After a couple of months in Berlin, I had a circle of friends, I met people, we walked, chatted. The husband cruised on the route work-home and six months later announced that he had “immigrant depression”.
For some reason, on other levels, it is much easier for me to accept that we are different.
I do not like meat, but I cannot live without vegetables and fruits. Husband is a meat eater. Ok, a cutlet for him, a salad for himself.
I am obsessed with cleanliness and cleaning, I already vaguely suspect that I have the initial stage of OCD. The husband does not notice the scattered things and the not perfectly shiny stove. Also, ok. These are my troubles, my personal cockroach, which I myself started, and I feed it.
But for some reason, silence in the evenings, a restrained reaction to the most wow-wow events, unwillingness to go to the coolest party in the city, a wary attitude towards surprises, spontaneous trips is so hard to accept!
Introvert. Instructions for use
- Introverts are very sensitive about their things. Your chair, your mug, your pen, your place at the table, your pillow. This is their territory, their personal belongings, which it is better not to approach. I went from “What is it? Well, take another mug! to “Son, this is daddy, please put it on.” And the weather in the house became more pleasant.
- It is difficult for introverts to combine several activities at once. If I can simultaneously write an article, cook soup, choose a jacket in an online store and chat with my husband on Skype about plans for the evening, then my husband cannot afford such variability. And “Hi, how are you? I'm just chatting" is a guaranteed outburst of discontent. Ask any introvert you know.
- Introverts need more personal space and more solitude. Dine alone, sit alone in the evening at a computer or a book. Yes, I know how mothers get tired at the end of the working day and how they wait for their husband to come home from work in order to hand over their mad children to him ... But, believe me, spending some time after work in silence and solitude for an introvert is not a whim, but a necessity.
- Questions not to ask an introvert: “What are you thinking?” “Are you okay?” “Why are you looking so sad?”
- Introverts are terrible conservatives. Both in food and clothing. A cardinal change of image is not about them. Therefore, if you choose as a gift, for example, a shirt or sweater, then buy exactly the same one that your favorite introvert already has in the closet. But with pearl buttons.
And now the bonuses!
I wonder how the balance of power in our family was distributed. The son went to dad (at a break at school it is very easy to recognize him: the only child sitting on a bench with a book alone is him), and my daughter - to me. She made friends in Berlin even faster than me, and ignorance German language didn't stop her.