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Depression and emotional burnout of the mother in maternity leave(Petranovskaya). Syndrome stages emotional burnout. How to get out of this state and what to do. Personal experience mother of many children.
My name is Anna, and I am a mother of many children: my children are 6, 3.5 and 1.5 years old. The notorious emotional burnout first happened to me after the birth of my second child, but I realized this much later, when with the advent of the third baby in our family, my condition could be described in one phrase "mother at zero." It was then that I turned to a psychologist, and then I began to read literature on pedagogy and psychology, trying to understand the problem, and found an article by Petranovskaya on burnout syndrome.
What is burnout syndrome
Back in the last century in America, this phenomenon was described in relation to social workers who underwent a thorough selection. They were motivated to help those in need: families on the verge of divorce or families with a special child, relatives of the terminally ill or depressed people. Helpers had to remain optimistic, calm and supportive. In the second year of work, their psyche could not withstand prolonged stressful communication, and complaints began to come from the wards about the rudeness and indifference of the employees.
Syndrome of emotional burnout in parents
If for professional employees there is a prevention of this syndrome, support groups, the possibility of a flexible schedule, then it is not customary to discuss the state of helplessness of parents. A mother who openly expresses her feelings will most likely be condemned, citing the fact that "everyone lives like this" and will be advised not to be loaded "over trifles."
Stages of the EV Syndrome
The first stage is sthenic
The man is tired, but, feeling a sense of duty, copes. Timely rest helps to return to the performance of their duties in a normal state, so this stage is quite safe, but any unplanned factor is annoying, because the body is in a state of energy conservation.
Now I understand that my condition after the birth of my second child was nothing but the first stage of EV. It so happened that the daughter was born with a heart defect requiring urgent surgery, and the son at that time was in a serious condition with her husband in the hospital with suspected meningitis. These months and a half of intense waiting, numerous examinations in the absence of my spouse cost me a lot, and when everything ended well, I felt so empty that I had to force myself to do the usual things, such as: feed the baby, do household chores, cook food , engage with his son, go out with the children for a walk. I felt guilty about the children because they became a burden to me. I said to myself: after all, these are welcome children, because I love them! But it sounded more like self-justification and did not bring relief.
The eldest son suffers from attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, and if earlier I was able to build a constructive conversation with him through the practice of active listening, now, in response to his irritation, I was also annoyed. He screamed, I raised my voice. I understood that my son feels my helplessness and therefore worries himself, showing aggression and falling into hysterics, but I could not help it. This went on for about a month, and the situation at home heated up to the limit. I understood that I needed to do something, somehow help myself get out of this state, and I succeeded.
At the first stage, when a person lives for a long time in energy saving mode, and stenicity is at the limit, and there is no rest and is not expected, any stressful situation leads to neurasthenia when "holding" goes to the level of "I can't take it anymore!" This is the second stage - asthenic.
The second stage is asthenic
Irritation is replaced by apathy. I can describe this state on my own example. Our third baby was born. We were all waiting for him, and preparing the children for the arrival of a new family member. But contrary to my expectations, the picture did not turn out the way I wanted. The eldest son had problems visiting kindergarten, because in the summer their permanent tutor was replaced by a duty one, and the group itself was a "team" from several groups of different ages. I had no desire to leave him at home, because I was very afraid of not being able to cope with my new tasks. With persuasion, tears and tantrums, the husband took his son to the garden. My daughter also somehow “suddenly” became capricious and tried in every possible way to capture my attention (and I understood this!), And the baby spent so much time at the breast that I had to master the sling in order to somehow manage the household. I remember distinctly the moment the switch clicked. It was nap time for her daughter, and she, who always went quietly to bed at that time, made a riot. She spilled the compote and squealed so that I could not stand it and slapped her. Painfully. Repeatedly. I was so angry that I myself was frightened by my "strange" reaction, but I could not stop. The baby cried. And suddenly I saw myself from the outside, sleepy, angry, with two screaming children, without any support (after all, my husband works from morning to night), and even this compote, which became the last straw. The daughter sobbed softly, wailing "it hurts me, mommy!", the son was looking for breasts, and I sat on the floor by the bed and sobbed at the top of my voice, repeating "I can't do this anymore! I can't!" I became tearful and lethargic. Everything that previously caused irritation, now provoked tears and unwillingness to do something. By evening, I was so exhausted that I fell exhausted into bed, but I couldn’t fall asleep, and not at all because I had to feed the baby - this is called the paradoxical fatigue curve, when, with nervous exhaustion, a person wakes up exhausted, not rested, and any activity is worth a titanic effort, and at night there is overexcitation and it is impossible to fall asleep. This condition also affected intimate relationships with her husband. I didn’t want sex at all, and requests for attention aroused ardent protest in me. I just wanted to sleep and no one would touch.
In addition to sleep disturbances, there are difficulties with food. Despite breastfeeding, I sometimes forgot to eat or had unhealthy snacks, choosing sweets and pastries (I was lucky that my son was not allergic). I could not cope with housekeeping, raising children, and, the worst thing, everything that used to please me and help me get out of a stressful state, ceased to bring pleasure and did not work.
The third stage is the deformation of the personality
It is especially characteristic of teachers, doctors, social assistance workers. Parents begin to hate the child, considering it a hindrance in their lives, showing aggression towards him and communicating in an offensive tone. "I'm not bad, he's bad." As a parent, I have not reached this frightening stage (and I really hope I never will, because I understand that the recovery process will be long and painful), but as a teacher, I will tell my story. After graduating from the institute with a degree in "Teacher of Russian Language and Literature", I went to work at school with the firm conviction that my mission was "to sow reasonable, kind, eternal" in the hearts of the younger generation. I was not ready for the fact that in the first year I would be given a class manual in a correctional class, where some of the children from dysfunctional families and all children suffer from Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. At first, I enthusiastically began to re-educate my wards, thinking along the way, did I choose the path for myself, am I a bad teacher, that I can’t do anything? Then my hands just dropped, and another fiasco in pedagogy led to an endless stream of tears. At the end of the second year of study, when I had the idea that it was time to stop ruffling my nerves because of these idiots, I realized that it was impossible to go to work with such an attitude, it was a crime. I asked the director to take off part of the study load from me, and I got 3 days off. I no longer needed to check notebooks at night, and I spent my free time not preparing for lessons, but walking in the park, in the cinema, at performances and exhibitions. After 3 months, I was able to tell the students quite sincerely at the beginning of the lesson, "Hello, it's nice to see you!"
Many will rightly object that in relation to their children, it is unlikely that it will be possible to “relieve part of the burden”, therefore, further we will consider ways to get out of the state of EV for mothers. 
How to get out of the EV state?
Many women have been raised by their parents to think that self-care is selfish. If there is a family and children, "your" life no longer exists. But it doesn’t work that way, you can deal with yourself according to the residual principle in case of slight fatigue, when you get enough sleep, spend the evening with friends or your husband and in the morning you are as good as new, but when you feel severe nervous exhaustion, neither the child nor the family is happy, a constant state of tearfulness, irritability, in the morning you wake up already tired, often there is a desire to escape from everyone and not return - the priority system needs to be urgently turned over (for a while)!
Let the whole world wait! Nobody and nothing will ever replace you! For his active development and training, a happy, contented and calm mother is needed, while you feel bad and he will be unhappy. Understand that all the strength, money and time that you spend on yourself is a gift to your children, a guarantee of their peace of mind.
- If completely at zero - take vacation, sick leave, hot tour, forget at least for a week about endless development games, grades at school, cleaning, cooking, etc. There is no way to leave - try to switch to the maximum energy saving mode in all cases.
- Include in your thoughts "Inner Peace Control" and actions to restore it, it is especially important for hyper-responsible, workaholics and all controlling mothers.
Find occupation that restores you: bath, walks, skydiving, meeting with friends, going to a beauty salon, evening with your husband - they should be present in your life regularly. Arrange time-outs before unbearable fatigue sets in.
accept yourself the way you are, with manifestations of your imperfection, allow yourself to make mistakes without being tormented by guilt. Do not make promises to yourself in the spirit of "this will never happen again!". Most likely, it will repeat itself and cause another round of self-flagellation. In such cases, I say to myself "yes, I was wrong now, but I'm an ordinary mother, I'm not perfect, and I will try to next time respond differently on a case-by-case basis.
Get out of the house more often. Being within four walls is depressing, especially if you were mobile and easy-going before parental leave. Try to choose new walking routes with the baby, and with a grown child, arrange trips to cafes, to children's performances, to visit. With a baby, I went for half a day to a distant park in summer time, and now twice a month the whole family goes for a walk or a performance.
Communicate. Find friends who bring you joy. From my own experience, I can say that it was on maternity leave that I made friends, with whom I still keep in touch, although many of them have already gone to work, and it’s not possible to meet often. However, now my daughter has been recommended yoga, and I enjoy taking her to one-on-one sessions, as my social circle at home is limited to younger children.
Take care of your health. Organize yourself a good sleep, adjust the daily routine and nutrition. After my second child, I put on weight, began to study the principles of healthy eating, read several books on nutrition and physical activity for weight loss and compiled her own training program, which has borne fruit. I stopped doing household chores during the baby's nap and began to relax with him. It helped me feel more energized. At the asthenic stage of EV, I went to the doctor, who prescribed me medication.
Ask for help. It so happened that we live far from relatives, and the spouse works a lot, so for a long time I got by without any help. Then we became very good friends with my neighbor grandmother, and I had the opportunity to leave the house for a couple of hours, giving her a baby, of course, not for free. I feel much better than before. In addition, at the suggestion of my husband, once a week a cleaner from a cleaning company comes to us, who irons the linen and does general cleaning. Especially happy is the husband, who loves the perfect order in the house and a contented, not wrapped up wife.
Look for your own solutions: call your grandmothers, ask your spouse for help, send your child to a short stay group.
Bring variety to your life. Prepare new dishes, beautifully set the table by changing tablecloths, be the designer of your apartment, choosing new curtains and other interior details. Buy fragrant shower gels or colored nail polishes, changing them according to your mood. Engage in self-development, read books on topics that interest you and do not allow yourself to become ossified and boring. In the third decree, I was fascinated by the design of children's dishes and oriental cuisine, which I studied with interest. Now I also read books on pedagogy and psychology with interest and write articles, because it brings variety to my life.
Pay attention to yourself. This point deserves to be first. A woman, having become a mother, often does not realize her desires for reasons that it is not reasonable to spend time (or finances) on them, since the needs and desires of the child come first. But a child needs a happy mother, not just another toy. Find something for the soul. It was on maternity leave that I mastered a lot of hobbies: sewing tildes, decoupage, scrapbooking, creating floral arrangements. For some time, an occupation for the soul brought me a certain income, but the important thing is that my studies did not allow me to get bogged down in the dullness of everyday life. Attend workshops whenever possible. Take care of your appearance by visiting a beauty salon at least from time to time. Previously, I was able to do this extremely rarely, until I marked specific dates for visits to the hairdresser and manicurist in the family calendar. Now my husband is aware of my "beauty hikes" in advance and does not plan his affairs at this time.
Realize that You are not the only one who faced such problem. There are thousands, millions of such mothers, it’s just that someone hides their condition, fearing public censure, someone is even afraid to admit to themselves the feelings that they experience in relation to their children, and someone has learned to give themselves rest in time, not allowing development of the EV syndrome.
If you are in a state of complete apathy and do not feel the strength to change anything on your own,address to psychologists and psychotherapists, it is normal! A psychotherapist is the same doctor as an oculist, dentist or therapist, to whom we turn for help. Burnout syndrome and postpartum depression are not far-fetched diseases, we can not always cope with them from the inside. You can start taking B vitamins and magnesium yourself, this is a boost for the nervous system.
If you are "at zero", then know, no matter how hopeless the current situation may seem to you, there is always a way out. And remember: You are a good mother. It’s just that now you yourself need help, attention and care, so that later you can give it to your loved ones. If the jug is empty, it will not quench anyone's thirst. Do not allow such devastation, because the condition of your children depends on your condition and the “weather” at home is the most important thing, and everything else, as you know, is vanity.
Irina Nikolaeva, a journalist and mother of two sons (the eldest is 13 years old, and the youngest is 2 years 10 months old), brings up her boys on her own. Therefore, listening webinar by Lyudmila Petranovskaya "If mom is at zero", which was organized by the leaders of the School of Conscious Parenthood "Big Dipper" ( Join the School Group), Irina made the following conclusions for herself:
It is sad to realize that personally I am that same mother at zero, and I am still walking between the sthenic and asthenic stages. But it’s also good that she hasn’t reached the stage of personal deformation yet. It's a good news.
What else is bad news? The mother's burnout primarily hurts the child and injures him. Sometimes very seriously. You and I are essentially the children of burnt-out parents. And that's sad too. And many of the problems of our children (behavioral or psychosomatic) are directly related to the mother's stable or unstable psyche. But again, this is good news.
Awareness of the problem is the first step towards solving it. And you can deal with it all. And take care of yourself in time so that our children are calmer, happier, more confident. You just need to understand that the greater the degree of burnout, the longer it takes to crawl out of it.
I personally intuitively came to understand and apply 3 things:
1. Sleep at any opportunity (during the day, in the car, but anywhere and anytime).
2. At the slightest manifestation of mental discomfort, go to psychotherapist friends for group or individual therapy.
3. Send all abusers and robbers of my resources. This point is the most difficult. Because a) you need to realize in time that you are morally raped or your time and resources are being stolen and b) be able to firmly say "No!".
This skill still needs to be developed and mastered. Because it seems culturally indecent for us to defend our borders.
In general, this topic is still many, many letters long. And Petranovskaya, in her characteristic manner, speaks simply and understandably, and at the same time bitingly, aphoristically.
I will take out at the beginning the most powerful quotes that resonated with me:
We socially disapprove of parental helplessness.
The amount of sleep is the main parameter that ensures personal safety.
Your self-care is an investment in your child.
There is nothing more important than the restoration of a parental resource in raising a child. No material goods - toys, clothes, delicious food - do not compensate the child for a happy and loving mother.
If you are tired, if the child is annoying - you just have to feel sorry for yourself, admit that you are tired. Think of yourself warmly and affectionately. If you fight - to order yourself not to get annoyed - this is an order to the psyche to "freeze" feelings. Cut off the part of you that is tired. Nothing good will come of it. This is not a question to be decided by an effort of will.
Everything that gives the parent a sense of joy, confidence - all this is done for the child. If you spent time and money on yourself, then you ended up spending it on your child. This is a much more important investment.
We invite you to take a look at the webinar, which, with the permission of the organizers of the Big Dipper School of Conscious Parenthood, is published here. Get ready for a long and thoughtful read.
WHAT IS BURNOUT SYNDROME (EB)?
Burnout syndrome was diagnosed and described in America in the last century. A social service was organized there, where people were very carefully selected. Future social workers were selected, tested, they were specially prepared, trained, they were all highly motivated for such work. However, somewhere in the second year of the work of this service, complaints began from those who were helped about rudeness, rudeness, indifference ... Although the employees were all the same who worked at the beginning. It was then that they began to investigate this phenomenon, which later received the name "Burnout Syndrome".
Traditionally, this term is used in relation to people in helping professions, the so-called. "helpers" - social workers, doctors, nurses, teachers. That is, those who are in a dependent relationship with a weaker, more vulnerable person. With those who are weaker than him, who are now feeling bad. Not necessarily weaker physical sense the words. It can be a family in crisis, relatives of a seriously ill person, or a special child and his family… In one way or another, these are people who are not well and who seek help.
A helper is a person who has a lot to do with some kind of helplessness, with the fact that people cannot cope, with the fact that they feel bad, anxious, sad, etc. And he always carries the role of someone who knows who should remain calm, not lose courage, optimism. A long-term stress of communication is created, which begins to undermine nervous system, psyche.
SYNDROME EMOTIONAL BURNOUT PARENTS
If in relation to professional helpers this syndrome is somehow understandable, they work with it, prevent it. The same helpers have supervisors, support groups, they can change the mode of operation. In relation to parents, this phenomenon is somehow not customary to discuss. We socially disapprove of parental helplessness. And if the mother, for example, is already in the first or second stage of EV, then she would rather hear “Come on, get it together, rag!” (yes, the EV syndrome may not necessarily be only in the mother, both fathers and grandparents are susceptible to it). Although in fact, if the parent is not pulled out of this state in time, the whole family will suffer.
It must be understood that EV does not happen all at once. This is not the flu, when I caught the virus in the morning, the temperature jumped in the evening. This condition builds up gradually. And you need to understand that getting out of it quickly will not work.
WHO IS MORE AT RISK EMOTIONAL BURNOUT
Parents with children less than 5 years apart. This is almost always a stage of tension, because two children constantly want something from their mother, constantly require her attention, inclusion, presence.
Parents of a frequently ill child. These can be quite standard colds, but if the family lives in the “week in kindergarten, two weeks on sick leave” mode, then this is also exhausting.
Naturally, this parents of seriously ill children, special children. But such families need both separate support and attention.
Moms who go to work early or work from home, live in the so-called multitasking mode. But multitasking is something that drains the psyche. Although a woman is more capable of solving several problems at the same time, everything has its limits. Each specific task may not be difficult, but when there are too many of them, it is draining. What to do? Reduce multitasking. If you need to work at home, then entrust the child to someone. If you have finished work, then turn off the phone, mail, do not think about work. Despite the margin of safety that is by nature, there is no need to test yourself! Always leave a gap. After all, there will be rush jobs, time troubles, so that we have the strength to cope with all this.
Incomplete families when the entire burden of raising children falls on one adult.
Families who are forced to live in difficult living conditions(crowding, the need to constantly heat the house in winter, carry water, etc.), have difficulties with money, etc.
conflict family when the family is not the rear, but the second front and adults are forced to constantly make efforts to smooth out or overcome conflicts.
Adults who have themselves experienced developmental trauma. If the parent himself did not have a psychologically prosperous childhood. If there are childhood traumas of attachment. Any of the attachment injuries can become a risk factor for the development of EV. If the child was small and they did not approach him crying, then in adulthood such a person may give an inadequate reaction to crying. The crying of a child is an unbearable sound for him, he will be annoyed by this again and again. If a child during a crisis of 3 years was responded with aggression, then in adulthood he will then be aggressive to his child. This is a pattern of sustainable behavior. The consequence is guilt, self-doubt as a good parent.
The presence of a "third superfluous". We are much more tolerant of children when we are at home with them. We get nervous when they misbehave in public.
Perfectionism. High bar, high requirements for the image of the ideal parent. Excellence complex. A child should always be washed, beautiful, well-fed, healthy, smart, educated. If this is not the case, then the mother begins to experience anxiety. Perfectionism is a direct path to emotional burnout.
SNOWBALL OF SMALL PROBLEMS…
When there is too much stress, they are like a snowball. And each of them may not represent anything from itself ... Each in itself - ordinary everyday events. But when there are a lot of them and for a long time, and there is not enough support, then they turn into some kind of shaft of problems. Therefore, from the outside, it seems to others that everyone lives like that, why does she suddenly whine? But in fact, this is a wall stage - when the child is not happy, there is no lightness, pleasure from communicating with the child, there are no ideas how to distract the capricious child. Annoying any deviation from the plan. Here you are going somewhere, the child is already dressed, at that moment something happened. For example, a child poured compote on himself - a trifle, it seems, and his mother yells at him or even spanks him.
At the sthenic stage, the body goes into energy-saving mode.
This is where a metaphor comes in handy. If you are full of strength, energy, you are in a good mood, plans, you are dancing along the street. If there is some kind of obstacle in front of you - a pebble, a hole, you can easily jump over it, bypass it and not even pay serious attention. A person in a sthenic state is a tired person, he walks with a load, bags, his legs are rubbed. Any obstacle in this state infuriates. The need to make an effort to jump over or bypass it is very exhausting. The wall stage is an economy mode when you need to do everything with a minimum of effort.
WITHOUT GUILT GUILT
When a person notices his irritability, guilt turns on. Self-flagellation begins: “I am a bad mother”, “I can’t cope”, irritation and aggression appear both at myself and at others ... Guilt adds even more exhaustion. The incident (when you yelled at a child, for example) has passed, but the experiences are going on, self-esteem is falling. And this is reflected in the child and in the relationship with him and with the household. The child begins to feel the uncertainty of the parents, to worry, to behave worse, to be capricious, to be aggressive. A vicious circle is formed. A tired parent breaks down on a child, a child gives behaviorally disapproved things in response, a parent breaks down even more ... Snowball.
WHAT TO DO IF YOU DISCOVER YOUR SYNDROME EMOTIONAL BURNOUT ?
It is much better to stop at the wall stage and try to get the resource. If the asthenic stage has begun, measures must be taken.
If you see signs of EV in loved one , then sometimes it is much more cost-effective to give a resource to him: feed him, put him to bed, bring tea to bed, stroke him, give him the opportunity to feel surrounded by care.
If you see signs of EV in yourself, then you should accept your imperfection, treat yourself more affectionately and warmly.
Ballast is important. All unnecessary, redundant tasks, unnecessary chores, household chores. We take care of ourselves first. How can you not remember the rules of airlines? “First an oxygen mask for yourself, then for the child.” Because a burnt out, exhausted mother will no longer be able to cope with parental responsibilities.
Be sure to get 7-8 hours of sleep to recover. It is necessary to think of any ways to ensure this dream. A person should get enough sleep at least 2-3 times a week. Normally and regularly eat, walk. If there are signs of EV, go to a neurologist and drink something that supports the nervous system. B vitamins and magnesium are good here. It is necessary to support the nervous system, including in this way.
If you know about your childhood traumas, then you should be ready to seek help from a psychologist. It's better to schedule this support directly for yourself.
Ask relatives for any help - financial, to take a walk with the children, take them for the weekend. It's important to take care of yourself! because your self-care is an investment in your child.
Often a person does not ask for help and everyone thinks that everything is fine with him. It seems that there are many relatives, but they must be specifically asked to help. You should not be shy about asking to take a walk, help with the housework, ask for a loan, etc. Don't hesitate to ask for help. There is nothing more important than the restoration of a parental resource in raising a child. No material goods - toys, clothes, delicious food - do not compensate the child for a happy and loving mother.
Use any resource that helps to improve the condition. Anything that enhances physical and/or emotional condition. Walks, hobbies, sauna, massage. No chemical stimulants are suitable here. Tea, coffee, alcohol. If you can’t live without coffee or tea at all, you need to change something in your schedule, and not screw up the central nervous system. Be careful with alcohol! If once in the company you drank wine - this is one thing. Alcohol is a depressant, it does not nourish the central nervous system, but gives an even greater load. As a regular remedy, it is not suitable, and the risks are high.
Usually in consultations, people ask the question “Well, how to deal with burnout?”. The key word here is "fight". Fighting involves violence. And an exhausted person for any violence, even if it is violence against himself, is even more exhausted.
If you are tired, if the child is annoying - you just have to feel sorry for yourself, admit that you are tired. Think of yourself warmly and affectionately. If you fight - to order yourself not to get annoyed - this is an order to the psyche to "freeze" feelings. Cut off the part of you that is tired. Nothing good will come of it. This is not a question to be decided by an effort of will. If your irritation becomes less, then the child will calm down, it will become easier with him.
Children enrage, cooking is abandoned, and any effort on oneself causes tears. I want to hide in a corner and not touch anyone. Most likely, you burned out “at work”, because in order to be a loving and understanding mother, you need to have a resource.
razvitie-krohi.ru
For the first time, burnout began to be discussed in relation to representatives of helping professions (nannies, doctors, teachers), whose daily practice requires large energy expenditures.
But, as it turned out, this phenomenon is unprofessional, and today psychologists are increasingly warning about the emotional burnout of parents - those who are tired of being an eternal source of inspiration for their own children.
Love is like a house of cards
At the initial stage of burnout, chronic fatigue, unwillingness to act, high irritability and sleep problems can be attributed to a difficult life period, bad weather and health problems.
Because, if desired, by pulling herself together, the mother can organize the children, cook food, clean, work out with a bang and not get tired.
The problem is that the world created around at this time is a props.
Outside there is a picture, but inside it is empty, there is no strength, no energy. Life, routine, succession unresolved issues, petty quarrels with family and children - all this, like a snowball, accumulates, overstretching the rubber of patience.
www.fms.org.il
Pants smeared by a child on a walk or sleep sabotage make the once kind mother break down and yell.
And then feel a huge sense of guilt, mixed with anger at the one who exposed this feeling in her.
But it is worth starting to get enough sleep, rest properly, replenish resources - and life begins to play with all its colors again.
When mom is at zero
Now, if mom rested, but the thought “everything, I can’t do it anymore!” is still spinning in my head! - welcome to the second phase, the asthenic, the non-holding stage.
absalam.com.kz
Thoughts, problems that need to be solved are constantly spinning in my head. Fragments of phrases and conversations make it difficult to fall asleep, and waking up in the morning, a person feels as if a tram drove over him.
Chronic fatigue, lack of the joys of life (although there may be plenty of reasons), aversion to sex (what a libido, you can barely drag your feet here!), switching on an energy-saving mode - all these are clinical signs of emotional burnout.
It is clear that life is actually a zebra, and it can't always be good. But the emotionally correct life of a parent is its own condition of safety for the whole family, a bright pigment for a striped life.
Become a mother to yourself: step by step instructions
Lyudmila Petranovskaya, a family psychologist who is actively involved in the problem of emotional burnout, gives a simple answer to why it is so important for parents to monitor their condition.
Taking care of yourself is an investment in a child. No benefits - the best toys, branded clothes, good food - will replace a loving and happy mother for children.
And therefore, having noticed the first signs of emotional burnout, you should take preventive measures. First of all, take care of yourself. Because a tired mother is not able to perform her duties well.
images.fastcompany.com
Bye-bye, all mothers should sleep at night
Sleep is the key to health . And mental as well. 7-8 hours of good sleep will allow the exhausted nervous system to recover and become more resistant to stress.
Refuse TV at night, do not surf the Internet before going to bed, if possible, spend the last hours before going to bed in peace and quiet, if necessary, support yourself with B vitamins (after consulting a neurologist) - these are the very first steps to significantly improve the general condition.
fly-mama.ru
Mom's must-have
Daily walks and good food are a prerequisite not only for the child, but also for the mother. Only a healthy body has the strength, neither a cake nor a cup of coffee in the morning can replace the energy from a full meal.
If you go out with a friend...
If today it is difficult for you with children - ask your loved ones to help. Asking for help is not a fiasco. There is nothing more important than replenishing parental forces in raising a child.
As Lyudmila Petranovskaya notes, in a situation of emotional burnout, first of all, you need to save your mother. Let grandparents look after you, not him - bring her tea, surround her with love, let her feel support and care.
cosmohit.ua
Replenishing stocks
A list of joys - having it is important for every tired mom. Something that really brings pleasure (at least it used to) and replenishes the resource. Anyone who checks “done” next to each item on this list makes a huge contribution to the prevention of burnout.
Embroidery, a film once a week, a sauna once a month, forum meetings of like-minded people, a bath for two hours, a massage course - any kind of action that uplifts the mood and improves the emotional background.
The best piece of cake
Perhaps the most important prevention of burnout in mom is to learn how to spend money and time on yourself without remorse. Converting a purchased coat and the cost of lunch in a cafe into toys and diapers is fertile ground for guilt, which, like an ulcer, corrodes from the inside.
Ultimately, an investment in oneself is an investment in the child too. When deciding whether to go to the theater or not, buy a gift for yourself or your child, you should not forget about it.
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Emotional burnout is not a disease, this is a consequence of wrong actions.
An eco-friendly mode of work and rest, love and care for yourself, the ability to value yourself and feel sorry for yourself - these are the skills necessary for a successful mother, which significantly increase the chances for long and happy years in the company of their own children.
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You feel tired, no matter how much you rest, you don’t want to do anything, nothing brings joy, you just want to lie down and lie down. Psychologist Lyudmila Petranovskaya talks about how parents fall into the trap of emotional burnout, and what will help them get out of it.
Many parents experience burnout symptoms.
During communication, people act in relation to each other in different roles. For example, if you and your girlfriend are chatting in a cafe, then your interaction is horizontal, on an equal footing. You are both having fun, but neither of you is responsible for the other.
If you are at home with a one-year-old child and enjoy communicating with him in the same way, then these relationships still cannot be called equal. You are solely responsible for it, it is vertical communication.
If an adult has too many of these vertical relationships, it eventually leads to burnout. I noticed its symptoms in many parents, even in families with a long-awaited child.
The work of the parent is round-the-clock, without holidays and weekends. Often, even on vacation, when the baby is left with a grandmother or a nanny, moms and dads worry, they cannot completely relax, the tension only grows. Familiar?
The psyche just stops coping
There are several factors that provoke emotional burnout:
- Difficult family situation. Children are growing up, there is no help from relatives, the child is often sick, there is not enough money, and so on. Problems pile up one on top of the other, and at some point the psyche simply ceases to cope with chronic overstrain.
- Life in a big city. The metropolis does not contribute to the maintenance of "horizontal ties" that are necessary for spiritual harmony. Another disadvantage is the distance between the house and the place of work, where family members often have to travel very far. As a result, the mother finds herself “locked” within four walls with a child, for whom she has been solely responsible for all this time.
- Lack of outside help. If the grandmothers are far away, and there is not enough money for a nanny, the mother remains virtually cut off from any social ties. She may not have time to simply go to the toilet or eat a bowl of hot soup. This is the reality of every second family.
This is a vicious circle: the less strength, the worse children behave
One of the clearest signs of emotional exhaustion is that ordinary rest does not help. The man slept all night, but in the morning he feels overwhelmed, as if he was unloading the wagons. And in the evening, on the contrary, he cannot sleep. It is physiological deviations (sleep disturbances, appetite, fatigue, poor health, frequent illnesses) that psychologists call the main alarm bell.
When we talk about a person's energy resource, we can try to imagine it as a reservoir. When it is full, we feel vivacity, self-confidence.
If a child is naughty, refuses to do something, we do not fall into a trance from this. We find a way to distract him, offer some games, we can come up with a fairy tale on the go.
But when there is not enough vitality, and then there are the children “as if off the chain,” we feel nothing but irritation, anger, despair. We can break loose, scream, and then blame ourselves for it.
It turns out a vicious circle - the less energy, the less strength to adequately respond to difficulties and the worse children behave, and this leads to new losses of strength.
Our body is not designed for chronic sleep deprivation.
Like any other disease, burnout syndrome is easier to prevent than to treat. This is a morbid condition of the nervous system, and not a fantasy, not an invented or incorrect attitude towards life.
How to avoid the "trap" of emotional burnout?
Rest and communication "horizontally"- spouses with each other, with friends, with colleagues.
Feeling Success when something worked out, for example, the child was ill for a long time and thanks to your efforts he recovered or could not learn to read and, finally, began to read. Focus on these things.
Hobby, some activity that your brain regards as energy, that is what you enjoy.
Quality sleep. Women in particular suffer from its shortage. big cities. Artificial lighting itself provokes a lack of sleep (after all, at night you can redo a lot of things), and you can hang out in social networks almost endlessly, because they create the illusion of horizontal connections. It's okay if you haven't slept a night or two. But our body is not designed for chronic lack of sleep for weeks and months.
Change your life a little every day
If your loved one has emotional exhaustion syndrome, there are a number of precautions to take. For example, avoid phrases like: "Pull yourself together, pull yourself together!" We seem to push the falling one with such words, but he is already exhausted.
Usually, very simple measures are needed to solve the problem of depletion.
Don't take it with clenched teeth and slowly change your reality. And not just once, for example, to go once a year to the sea without children, but every day - a little bit.
Don't chase perfection. If you have small children at home, then you most likely will not have a perfect order. Maybe it's easier to come to terms with this than constantly rushing around the apartment, trying to shove socks in the corners?
Spend your free time sleeping, walking, physical activity, normal food– all this is very important. Depletion of the nervous system is often associated with a lack of magnesium and B vitamins. Sometimes it makes sense to visit a neurologist.
It is also important to understand where the main "punctures" through which your energy flows. Perhaps there is an old conflict in the family? Or is there something that annoys you every day? In such cases, you can safely contact a psychologist.
Finally - short test which I usually always spend with my parents. Answer honestly the following questions:
How many times for last week did you do something just for yourself, not for children, not for family, not for something else? When did you watch your favorite series or just sit in front of the TV?
If you can’t remember, then it’s time to think about whether it’s time to change something in your life.
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Irina Nikolaeva (summary of the webinar by Lyudmila Petranovskaya, organized by the Ursa Major School of Conscious Parenthood):
WHAT IS BURNOUT SYNDROME?
Burnout syndrome was diagnosed and described in America in the last century. A social service was organized there, where people were very carefully selected. Future social workers were selected, tested, they were specially prepared, trained, they were all highly motivated for such work. However, somewhere in the second year of the work of this service, complaints began from those who were helped about rudeness, rudeness, indifference ... Although the employees were all the same who worked at the beginning. It was then that they began to investigate this phenomenon, which later received the name "Burnout Syndrome".
Traditionally, this term is used in relation to people in helping professions, the so-called. "helpers" - social workers, doctors, nurses, teachers. That is, those who are in a dependent relationship with a weaker, more vulnerable person. With those who are weaker than him, who are now feeling bad. Not necessarily weaker in the physical sense of the word. It can be a family in crisis, relatives of a seriously ill person, or a special child and his family ... These are, one way or another, people who are not well and who seek help.
A helper is a person who has a lot to do with some kind of helplessness, with the fact that people cannot cope, with the fact that they feel bad, anxiously sad, etc. And he always plays the role of someone who knows who should remain calm, not lose courage, optimism. A long-term stress of communication is created, which begins to undermine the nervous system, the psyche.
EV SYNDROME IN PARENTS
If in relation to professional helpers this syndrome is somehow understandable, they work with it, prevent it - the same helpers have supervisors, support groups, they can change the mode of operation - then in relation to parents this phenomenon is somehow not customary to discuss. We socially disapprove of parental helplessness. And if the mother, for example, is already in the first or second stage of EV, then she would rather hear: “Come on, get it together, rag!” (yes, the EV syndrome may not necessarily be only in the mother, both fathers and grandparents are susceptible to it). Although in fact, if the parent is not pulled out of this state in time, the whole family will suffer.
STAGES OF EV SYNDROME
In the development of the EV syndrome, stages are distinguished that obey a certain logic.
The first stage is the sthenic stage, the stage of endurance, when a person is already tired, it is still hard for him, but he copes. He copes due to a sense of duty, pulls himself together, due to the fact that he understands that other people are even worse than him, due to the fact that he has to, this is his job, he himself wanted it. Appeals to conscience, sense of duty, responsibility. A person gathers, pulls himself together, and copes. This can last quite a long time, at this stage a person wants to relax more - take a day off, go on vacation. If he has this, then it helps, he is then full of strength again and returns to work again in a normal state. That is, at the wall stage, in general, rest works, rest helps. This is still a good state of affairs.
The second stage is asthenic. But no one is immune from additional stress. Something else can be superimposed on such an overload. For example, a person can get the flu. Then the body is weakened, it needs to be restored. And against this background, the return of the past load is already too much. It's easy to get stressed out. The stage of withstanding, is replaced by the stage of non-withstanding, "I can no longer."
The third stage is the most difficult, this is when personal deformation already begins.
It must be understood that EV does not happen all at once. This is not the flu, when I caught the virus in the morning, the temperature jumped in the evening. This condition builds up gradually. And you need to understand that getting out of it quickly will not work.
WHO IS MORE AT RISK OF EV
Parents with children less than 5 years apart. This is almost always a stage of tension, because two children constantly want something from their mother, constantly require her attention, inclusion, presence.
Parents of a frequently ill child. These can be quite standard colds, but if the family lives in the mode of “a week in kindergarten, two on sick leave”, then this is also exhausting.
Naturally, these are the parents of seriously ill children, special children. But such families need both separate support and attention.
Moms who go to work early or work from home live in what is called a multitasking mode. But multitasking is something that drains the psyche. Although a woman is more capable of solving several problems at the same time, everything has its limits. Each specific task may not be difficult, but when there are too many of them, it is draining.
What to do? Reduce multitasking. If you need to work at home, then entrust the child to someone. If you have finished work, then turn off the phone, mail, do not think about work. Despite the margin of safety that is by nature, there is no need to test yourself! Always leave a gap. After all, there will be rush jobs, time troubles, so that we have the strength to cope with all these.
Incomplete families, when the entire burden of raising children falls on one adult.
Families who are forced to live in difficult living conditions (crowding, the need to constantly heat the house in winter, carry water, etc.), difficulties with money, etc. A conflict family, when the family is not the rear, but the second front and adults are forced to constantly make efforts to smooth out or overcome conflicts.
Adults who have themselves experienced developmental trauma. If the parent himself did not have a psychologically prosperous childhood. If there are childhood traumas of attachment. Any of the attachment injuries can become a risk factor for the development of EV. If the child was small, and they did not approach him crying, then in adulthood such a person may give an inadequate reaction to crying. The crying of a child is an unbearable sound for him, he will be annoyed by this again and again. If a child during a crisis of 3 years was responded with aggression, then in adulthood he will then be aggressive to his child. This is a pattern of sustainable behavior. The consequence is guilt, self-doubt as a good parent.
The presence of a "third superfluous". We are much more tolerant of children when we are at home with them. We get nervous when they misbehave in public.
Perfectionism is a high bar, high demands on the image of an ideal parent. Excellence complex. A child should always be washed, beautiful, well-fed, healthy, smart, educated. If this is not the case, then the mother begins to experience anxiety. Perfectionism is a direct path to emotional burnout.
SNOWBALL OF SMALL PROBLEMS…
When there is too much stress, they are like a snowball. And each of them may not represent anything of itself ... Each in itself - ordinary everyday events. But when there are a lot of them and for a long time, and there is not enough support, then they turn into some kind of shaft of problems. Therefore, from the outside, it seems to others that everyone lives like that, why does she suddenly whine?
But in fact, this is a wall stage - when the child is not happy, there is no lightness, pleasure from communicating with the child, there are no ideas how to distract the capricious child. Annoying any deviation from the plan. Here you are going somewhere, the child is already dressed, at that moment something happened. For example, a child poured compote on himself - a trifle, it seems, and his mother yells at him or even spanks him.
At the sthenic stage, the body goes into energy-saving mode. Here such a metaphor is suitable - if you are full of strength, energy, you are in a good mood, plans, you are walking along the street with a dancing gait. If there is some kind of obstacle in front of you - a pebble, a hole, you can easily jump over it, bypass it and not even pay serious attention. A person in a sthenic state is a tired person, he walks with a load, bags, his legs are rubbed. Any obstacle in this state infuriates. The need to make an effort to jump over or bypass it is very exhausting. The wall stage is an economy mode, everything must be done with a minimum of effort.
WITHOUT GUILT GUILT
When a person notices his irritability, guilt turns on. Self-flagellation begins: “I’m a bad mother”, “I can’t cope”, irritation, aggression both on myself and on others, irritation, aggression appear ... Guilt adds even more exhaustion. The incident when you yelled at the child, for example, has passed, and the experiences are going on, self-esteem is falling. And this is reflected in the child, and in relations with him, and with the household. The child feels the uncertainty of the parents, begins to worry, begins to behave worse, act up, be aggressive. A vicious circle is formed. A tired parent breaks down on a child, a child gives behaviorally disapproved things in response, a parent breaks down even more ... Snowball.
ASTHENIC STAGE
And that's how it goes. If at this stage, when sthenicity is already at its limit, no resource is added, then there is a risk of moving to the asthenic stage.
Asthenic stage - nervous exhaustion, neurasthenia, "I can no longer", "I have no more strength." In this state, any task - new or requiring inclusion and an additional task - causes a feeling of desperation.
If at the sthenic stage everything usually starts with irritation, then at the asthenic stage it is tears, apathy, a state when the hands simply drop. Thoughts appear: “Damn it all!” Health deteriorates, immunity drops, you can easily get sick. getting worse physical state, everything is difficult, nothing pleases, the child does not please, there is no emotion, there is no pleasure from communicating with the child.
One of the most unpleasant consequences is a problem with sleep. At the asthenic stage, a person falls down as if dead, does not remember how he passed out or may not fall asleep for a long time, by the evening his nervous system is “whacked up”, he keeps chasing the events of the day, some conversations in his head. I want to sleep all the time, and when it's time to sleep, I can't fall asleep. Heavy sleep. For working people, this is called the "manager syndrome" - you keep running these thoughts in your head all the time. This is especially true for parents with many children. Or when one of the children is ill, it is necessary to treat, take them to doctors, rehabilitate.
One such sign of asthenia is a paradoxical fatigue curve. In a normal state, a person wakes up in the morning, having slept, rested, does something all day, in the evening he wants to sleep, he lies down and falls asleep. With nervous exhaustion in the morning, it seems to a person that he has not slept, he is overtired, it is hard for him, he gets up with great difficulty, and with difficulty moves on to some kind of activity. And in the evening, overexcitation sets in and it seems like evening has come, you can go to bed, but it’s impossible to sleep. And, on the one hand, it is painfully sleepy, and in the evening, when the child falls asleep, the mother sits down at the computer, goes online, gets overexcited again, and cannot fall asleep. This condition in itself worsens the situation more and more.
The amount of sleep is the main parameter that ensures personal safety.
Mothers are naturally more tolerant of sleep deprivation, but everything has its limits. If you sleep regularly for 5-6 hours, then after a while nervous exhaustion will come. At the asthenic stage, difficulties begin with food - they forget to eat, they catch themselves that there were no crumbs in their mouth all day, someone compensates for the lack of sleep with a lot of food. Draws on sweet, fatty, throw at least something into the furnace when there is no strength.
Usually, when children are small or the weather, the libido suffers greatly. I don’t want sex at all, any erotic component in contact with my husband is annoying. The woman thinks that it is redundant. At wear and tear, when the body is exhausted, one of the first functions that turns off is libido. The body seems to be sending a signal: “There is nothing to multiply if you can barely drag your legs anyway!”
If the asthenia has gone far, then the woman cannot cope with her feelings, she is not enough for a child, for the household, if you do not touch her, then she will sit and look at one point or cry for a long time, if suddenly there is a need to do something ...
Another symptom of EV is anhedonia. A person wants nothing, nothing pleases him. Everything that used to bring pleasure is now either annoying or does not evoke former emotions.
DEFORMATION STAGE
The most extreme stage of EV is the stage of personality deformation. That just happens with doctors, teachers. This is a state when the psyche can no longer, asthenia is painful in terms of experiences, and over time, the psyche turns on the defense “It’s not you who are bad, they are all freaks.”
WHAT TO DO IF YOU DISCOVER EV SYNDROME?
It is much better to stop at the wall stage and try to get the resource. If the asthenic stage has begun, measures must be taken.
If you see signs of EV in a loved one, then sometimes it is more cost-effective to give him a resource: feed him, put him to bed, bring tea to bed, stroke him, give him the opportunity to feel surrounded by care.
If you see signs of EV in yourself, then you should:
Accept your imperfection, treat yourself more affectionately and warmly.
- It is important to dump the ballast. All unnecessary, redundant tasks, unnecessary chores, household chores. We take care of ourselves first. How can you not remember the rules of airlines? “First an oxygen mask for yourself, then for the child.” Because a burnt out, exhausted mother will no longer be able to cope with parental responsibilities.
Be sure to get 7-8 hours of full sleep to recover. It is necessary to think of any ways to ensure this dream. A person should get enough sleep at least 2-3 times a week. Normally and regularly eat, walk. If there are signs of EV, go to a neurologist and drink something that supports the nervous system. B vitamins and magnesium are good here. It is necessary to support the nervous system, including in this way.
If you know about your childhood traumas, then you should be ready to seek help from a psychologist. It's better to schedule this support directly for yourself.
Ask relatives for any help - financial, to take a walk with the children, take them for the weekend. It's important to take care of yourself! Because your self-care is an investment in your child.
Often a person does not ask for help, and everyone thinks that everything is fine with him. It seems that there are many relatives, but they must be specifically asked to help. You should not be shy about asking to take a walk, help with the housework, ask for a loan, etc. Don't hesitate to ask for help. There is nothing more important than the restoration of a parental resource in raising a child.
No material goods - toys, clothes, delicious food - can compensate a child for a happy and loving mother.
Use any resource that helps to improve the condition. Anything that improves the physical and/or emotional state. Walks, hobbies, sauna, massage. Any chemical stimulants, tea, coffee, alcohol are not suitable here. If you can’t live without coffee or tea at all, you need to change something in your schedule, and not “jack up” the central nervous system.
Be careful with alcohol! If once in the company you drank wine - this is one thing. Alcohol is a depressant, it does not nourish the central nervous system, but gives an even greater load. As a regular remedy, it is not suitable, and the risks are high.
Usually at consultations people ask the question “Well, how to deal with burnout?”. The key word here is "fight". Fighting involves violence. And an exhausted person for any violence, even if it is violence against himself, is even more exhausted.
If you are tired, if the child is annoying, you just have to feel sorry for yourself, admit that you are tired. Think of yourself warmly and affectionately. If you fight, order yourself not to get annoyed - this is an order to the psyche to "freeze" the feeling. Cut off the part of you that is tired. Nothing good will come of it. This is not a question to be decided by an effort of will. If your irritation becomes less, then the child will calm down, it will become easier with him.
IF THE PARENT IS ONE…
The main problem of an incomplete family is not that the child will not see the model of a correct family and will not learn about the social roles of both parents. After all, he does not live in a vacuum. He sees a model of a complete family with relatives and friends.
The main problem of a family where one parent is that huge burden on a single adult. When, roughly speaking, his back is not covered. Where is the exit? And the exit is where the entrance is. The way out is to seek help as much as possible and create social network around your family, have contacts with your relatives, have friends, support groups. Here it is important to create some kind of peace for yourself due to the fact that there will be a certain number of helpers around you. If something happens, it is important that there are people who will help.
IF MOM FEELING GUILTY FOR WASTING MONEY AND TIME ON HERSELF
Often mothers feel guilty that they spent money or time on themselves and not on the child. The more guilt the mother has, the more uncomfortable the child feels. Those who grew up with deformed parents suffer from feelings of guilt. Those who have been driven into the conviction by their parents that he is, they say, “an ungrateful bastard” ...
Wine should be treated like a tool. This is such a thermometer. He says that something is not right in parental behavior. When you see a high temperature in yourself, then this is a sign that you need to do something - drink medicine, go to bed.
Spending money on yourself and suffering from feelings of guilt is also associated with a sense of your own worthlessness. It is important to understand here that nothing is more important for a child than a happy parent. No toys and educational toys can replace a happy parent for a child.
Everything that gives the parent a sense of joy, confidence - all this is done for the child. If you spent time and money on yourself, then you ended up spending it on the child. This is a much more important investment.
HOW TO EXPLAIN TO RELATIVES THAT YOU ARE TIRED AND YOU ARE BAD?
Here it is important to realize the importance of yourself and your condition. This is an example for a child.
Children read and remember a lot unconsciously. If we treat ourselves with neglect, then we give the child the same example. It is a dubious gift for a child to give him a neglect strategy.
On the contrary, it is important that children see that we are attentive to our needs, caring for ourselves.
Joy and pleasure should be a part of life. It should be a natural part of life. Otherwise, why a family where everyone reproaches and blames each other? A good family is where people try to pity, support, take care of.
This is not difficult. Hug, say: “Yes, I can imagine how tired you are, let's rest!”. And it’s normal if it’s natural, like air, and you don’t have to beg for it.