Self-esteem may or may not be adequate. Appropriateness is conformity to the requirements of the situation and the expectations of people. If people believe that a person can cope with the tasks, but he does not believe in himself, it is said about low self-esteem. If a person declares unrealistic plans, they talk about his overestimated self-esteem. The most important criterion for the adequacy of self-esteem is the feasibility of a person's plans.
Adequacy of private and specific-situational self-assessment
Specific situational self-esteem can be fairly objectively assessed as adequate or, for example, underestimated: if experience shows that a person actually copes with tasks that he could not internally resolve for a long time, then his self-esteem is objectively low. As a rule, the adequacy of self-assessment is confirmed not only by practice (the results of which can be interpreted in different ways), but also by the opinion of authorities: experts in the field where a person declares his claims. The adequacy of a specific situational self-assessment is usually aligned with experience. See →
How to assess the adequacy of personal self-esteem?
Adequate personal self-esteem - corresponding to the real results and facts, the expectations of the reference group of people, not overestimated and not underestimated one's capabilities, one's limitations and one's place among people (more broadly - one's place in life). The self-esteem of an immature person usually depends on the assessments of others, who themselves are not always adequate. The more mature a person is, the more adequate his personal self-assessment is. And vice versa, the more adequate the self-assessment of the individual, the more it speaks of his maturity. See →
Inadequate self-esteem as a work task and as a psychotherapeutic problem
Inadequate self-esteem may need to be changed (for example, made more adequate), but this particular person can be treated both as a work task and as a personal, psychotherapeutic problem. He will solve the problem (he defined the context, concretized the goal, formed the points of the plan, started working), more often people experience the problem. And they turn to psychologists and psychotherapists.
Specific situational self-esteem is more often posed as a work task, personal self-esteem is more often experienced as a personal, psychotherapeutic problem. See Translating a Problem into an Issue
Why do you need to understand, adequate self-esteem or not?
Determining the adequacy of self-assessment makes it possible to:
Self-tutor in psychology Obraztsova Lyudmila Nikolaevna
Inadequate self-esteem
Inadequate self-esteem
As we have already established, inadequate self-esteem can be both underestimated and overestimated. Some psychologists (L. N. Korneeva, 1984) describe not two varieties of unrealistic self-esteem, but several more. Let's get to know them.
1. Low self-esteem: constant use of mechanisms psychological protection, lack of self-esteem. A person with low self-esteem prefers to behave in accordance with the strategy of "guaranteed success", that is, he chooses only those goals that he knows he can achieve without the risk of failure - and very often these goals turn out to be below his real capabilities. Both in study and in work, such people behave passively, keep in the background - not because they really are not capable of anything, but because they are too afraid to make some kind of mistake. The level of success is usually below average, but generally stable: quite constant "mediocre".
2. Unstable, mostly low self-esteem: activated psychological defense mechanisms. Preference is given to such behaviors that support the strategy of "devaluing failure", such as "we failed to achieve the desired - well, okay, it didn't hurt to want to." People with this type of self-esteem have an overestimated level of claims and, having set themselves too difficult a task, do not make targeted efforts to solve it.
However, there are also stubborn people who try to jump to the bar set too high; but they do it without any prior preparation, without relying on their abilities and abilities - this is where low self-esteem is manifested: these people do not see and do not value their own strengths and choose targets more or less at random. Success achieved in school or in professional activity are small and unstable. At the same time, a person with unstable low self-esteem explains his failures by external reasons, the injustice of his superiors, etc.
3. Inflated self-esteem: the main desire is to protect yourself from failure at any cost, and therefore people with such self-esteem, like the first type, do their best to avoid goals that are not 100% guaranteed to be achieved. This is the “guaranteed success” strategy we already know. Such people tend to hide even from themselves the fact that their capabilities are below claims, and therefore shy away from any situations in which this discrepancy might come to light. As a result, the activities of these people can even be quite successful (and stable), but still below their real capabilities.
4. Sustained inflated self-esteem: unreasonable confidence in one's own abilities, capabilities, talents. Often such self-esteem is formed in people who really have significant abilities in one type of activity: for example, a person can “automatically” transfer success in sports to the business sphere, believing that in entrepreneurship he will certainly achieve the same success as in running. track. At the same time, he does not realize that he does not possess the qualities necessary for effective entrepreneurial activity at all, and his victories in sprinting are by no means a guarantee of great achievements in an area unknown to him.
A person with a persistently high self-esteem “from overclocking” sets himself complex, difficult to achieve goals in unfamiliar areas of activity, ignores the first failures and attributes them to chance. But the repetition of failures leads to very strong feelings, to a real emotional storm.
Initially, self-esteem is formed in a child upon gaining experience of achievements and failures: taking the first steps (both literally and figuratively), interacting with the outside world, he begins to realize his capabilities, find out what he can do and what not, What are the results of certain actions. And of course, a very powerful source for the formation of self-esteem is the attitude of adults towards the child - first of all, parents, then educators, teachers, and with the onset of adolescence, the opinion of peers also becomes of great importance.
And in adulthood, our attitude towards ourselves, of course, to a fair extent depends on the opinions of other people - but, of course, not at all as much as in childhood. But if a person's self-esteem deviates from adequate, this is always manifested in the fact that he overly relies on the attitude of others towards him: knowledge of oneself is not sufficiently developed, and a “mirror” is constantly required.
The problem is that if a person relies entirely on the approval of others to determine his significance, he is doomed to very unpleasant experiences when he stops being praised or even criticized (even if this criticism is quite constructive). If other people do not support such a person's self-esteem at their best, he will inevitably begin to feel like a hopeless loser.
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Psychology defines self-esteem as a combination of a person's understanding of their capabilities and prospects. He evaluates himself, comparing with the environment, as if observing himself from the side and noting abilities and shortcomings, forming an opinion about the true "I", throughout his life.
Comparison with others goes at the level of "worse", "better", "usual" - everything happens instinctively, even if a person does not want to compare himself to others. In the first place are the qualities that are valued in modern society.
In the 19th century, a young man of noble origin could boast that he was better than Prince Volkonsky in fighting with swords. He compared himself with a person of his class and noticed that he was superior to him, thereby increasing self-esteem. This quality was relevant for the 19th century, in modern world their priorities, and no one will assert himself at the expense of fencing.
This example shows us that the assessment of one's abilities and shortcomings depends on the priorities of society. The values that are cultivated by the society in which a person exists are a measure for self-esteem.
A person is constantly engaged in self-esteem: either he is satisfied and ready to praise himself, be proud of his actions, or, on the contrary, he is dissatisfied and worries about his actions, scolds himself for any misconduct. Evaluation of one's personality allows a person to understand himself, even if it changes depending on the situation, but it is she who regulates and builds an opinion about himself.
Consider two options for evaluating your own action by people with different self-esteem:
1. Having made a mistake, a person with high self-esteem admits to himself: “Here I was wrong, but how did it happen, because I always did the right thing” and immediately forget the unpleasant incident and move on.
2. A person with low self-esteem can get hung up on his mistake, he will remember his actions for a long time, reproach himself, he can even decide that he is not capable of anything, as always, everything goes wrong for him.
Types and levels of self-esteem
Psychologists note two types of self-esteem:
adequate;
inadequate.
You can also hear another classification: optimal and suboptimal, when it comes to slightly overestimated self-esteem, which in itself is not critical. That's just the line where the optimal ends and the non-optimal begins is very thin.
Adequate self-esteem
When a person's self-esteem is adequate, he sees himself from the outside and evaluates his capabilities almost as they really are. There are probably no ideal people, and everyone perceives himself in this world and in society in his own way.
Characterizing themselves, someone overestimates the possibilities, and someone underestimates. When there are few errors compared to reality, self-esteem is called adequate.
If a person admits that his hands are growing from the wrong place, he does not suffer from low self-esteem, he just wants to say that he does not like or does not know how to do something with his own hands.
Adequate self-esteem shows that an individual can reasonably evaluate his own and other people's behavior, views.
A person with such self-esteem perceives the world as follows:
1. His “I want” and “I can” correspond to the possibilities.
2. Gives himself the right and achievable settings, not soaring in the clouds at the expense of his potential.
3. Can critically evaluate himself by removing the "pink curtains" from his eyes.
4. He knows what his actions will lead to.
Whoever is ready to take a sober look at himself will not mind hearing someone else's opinion about his beloved. He will not be offended by the point of view of others, because he himself knows his pros and cons very well, and does not get hung up on the opinion from the outside.
Inadequate self-esteem
There are two types of inadequate self-esteem: overestimated and underestimated. They, in turn, differ in the degree of inadequacy. If a person evaluates himself a little lower than the norm, or higher, this does not affect his character and habits in any way, he normally communicates with the environment, he does not have problems with adaptation and the norms of society.
Inadequate self-esteem, slightly above the average, cannot be detected without psychological testing of a person. Slightly inflated self-esteem does not even require adjustment, it is just a sense of self-worth that helps a person to live and appreciate his own achievements.
Another thing is if self-esteem goes off scale in one direction or another. This is immediately evident from the behavior of a person, it interferes with life, creates problems in the socialization of the individual, and leads to conflict situations.
Individual characteristics of people with high self-esteem
If self-esteem is overestimated, a person constantly tries to stand out, he is somewhat arrogant, always speaks out on any occasion, even if he is not competent in the matter, puts himself above others and tries to command.
Distinctive features of such people:
They have their own "I" in the first place, give great importance to your person.
· Inadequately react to remarks from the outside, they will not like an opinion that differs from their own.
· They do not accept outside help, rejecting it, even if they need it.
In their opinion, they have no weaknesses, their own negative qualities they see it in a positive light, they try to pass it off as merit.
· Self-centered, proud, think only about themselves, forgetting about others.
· They manifest mannerisms in behavior, deliberately act in many cases.
Sometimes you can hear that overestimated self-esteem is better than underestimated. This statement does not always correctly characterize the situation; it is not always pleasant and comfortable to communicate and exist next to a person who has too high self-esteem.
Low self-esteem
People with low self-esteem do not like to stand out, they exist in their own quiet world and try to behave in such a way that they are not noticed.
At first glance, they are simply modest and delicate, but if you get to know them better, traits that are not entirely suitable for a normal existence will come to light:
· Endless hesitation for any reason, indecision.
· They constantly turn to others, cannot take the initiative in their own hands.
· They do not like to take obligations, they try to shift the risks to others.
· They do not see prospects in themselves, are sensitive, vulnerable, cannot find common ground with the environment or do not want to.
· Meticulous and capricious, striving for impeccable behavior and demanding the same from others.
· Scrupulous, vindictive, jealous.
· Their actions are sometimes impossible to understand, they strive to prove their importance to everyone, and this results in abnormal antics.
People with severely inadequate self-esteem with a minus sign are also self-centered, but for a different reason. They may not pay attention to others, completely go into their problem. From this, relatives lose, because behind their “suffering” a person does not notice those who are nearby. Among them there are those who have never loved seriously in their lives, they do not have a sense of respect for others, fixation on themselves interferes with these feelings.
Before writing an article about self-esteem of a person, I looked into the search engine and was horrified .... on the number of sites that offer magical ways to boost self-esteem. “Gain self-confidence in 3 easy steps”, “12 ways to increase self-esteem”, “High self-esteem is the path to success”, etc. Nonsense. Forgive me, of course, but reasonable person, must understand that self-esteem, and attitude towards oneself does not arise overnight. And even more so for some 3 steps to increase your self-esteem is simply not realistic.
Start changing your attitude MAYBE in three steps, or build self-confidence in 12 ways. But don't boost your self-esteem!
Does this mean that without high self-esteem we will not be successful? Is it really? What do psychologists think about this? And what is the secret of self-esteem of the individual? Let's figure it out.
The concept of self-esteem in psychology
Self-esteem is a person's assessment of himself, his strengths and weaknesses, opportunities, qualities, his place among other people.
This ability to introspection has a great influence on the formation of human behavior. Personal qualities such as uncertainty and determination, activity and restraint, sociability and isolation are directly dependent on self-esteem. A person's opinion of himself determines the attitude of others around him.
Self-esteem is associated with one of the central needs for self-affirmation, with the desire of a person to find his place in life, to assert himself as a member of society in the eyes of others and in his own opinion.
Formation of adequate self-esteem of the child
It begins to form in our childhood, unfortunately, under the influence of our upbringing. The environment of the child, and this is primarily our parents, lays the foundation of our self-esteem. The child cannot form his own attitude towards himself due to insufficient self-awareness.
Parents interfere with the normal development of a child's self-esteem when:
- often punish the child without explaining the reason for the punishment, and when punished for the manifestation of "unacceptable" feelings;
- mock the child's feelings and thoughts, underestimating them;
- control it with the help of guilt or shame;
- there are no rules in the family, or they are quite contradictory (dad has one, and mom has others, opposite ones);
- deny the child's perception of reality and implicitly contribute to the child's doubts about his sanity;
- when parents use physical violence against their child. In addition to this, they do not believe in him, in every possible way blaming and underestimating him.
Of course, under such conditions of upbringing, a pathological personality can form, not to mention its healthy, adequate self-esteem or self-love.
What influences the formation of an adequate self-esteem of an adult?
Each person tends to compare himself with some ideal image, with the person he would like to be. The coincidence of the real self-image with the desired one plays a huge role in the formation of adequate self-esteem. The further the true image is from the perfect one, the worse the person's opinion of himself.
A significant influence on the formation of an adequate and healthy self-esteem is exerted by the attitude towards the person of others. Of particular importance for the formation of healthy self-esteem, as in childhood, the opinions of the closest people: parents, relatives and friends are important.
The real achievements of a person in a particular field of activity also affect the formation of adequate self-esteem. The higher the personal successes and achievements, the better the person's opinion of himself.
Personal self-esteem is an attitude towards oneself through the opinion of significant people about oneself and real achievements. Self-esteem cannot be overestimated or underestimated. Self-esteem can only be optimal or suboptimal. Self-assessment of a healthy person should be adequate to his real results!
A person with adequate self-esteem
With optimal, adequate self-esteem, a person correctly correlates his capabilities and abilities, is quite critical of himself, seeks to realistically look at his failures and successes, tries to set achievable goals that can be achieved in practice.
A person approaches the assessment of what has been achieved not only with his own measures, but also tries to foresee how other people will react to this: colleagues and others. significant people. Adequate self-esteem is the result of a constant search for a real healthy assessment, that is, without overestimating one's achievements, but also without being too critical of one's communication, activities, and experiences. Such self-esteem is healthy and adequate.
Features of healthy adequate self-esteem
- A healthy self-esteem of the individual allows you to address others with respect and good intentions;
- A person with healthy self-esteem is open to criticism and admits his mistakes. After all, healthy self-esteem provides for the presence in a person of both advantages and disadvantages.
- A confident person is open and curious about new ideas, new experiences, new opportunities in life.
- A person with healthy self-esteem trusts himself and thereby responds flexibly and even inventively to all sorts of life situations.
- Approving (non-aggressive) behavior, one's own and others, is perceived with comfort - the criteria for healthy self-esteem.
- Under stress, a person with healthy self-esteem is able to maintain harmony and dignity.
Why does the question “How to increase your self-esteem” arise? Why raise it and who determined that you have it understated?
General psychology says that the harmony of a person or the comfort of a person depends on how he treats himself. That is, if a person, in your opinion or observation, has low self-esteem, then he is neither successful nor self-confident.
In fact, this person is comfortable enough to live with his possible low self-esteem. On the other hand, it is your assessment of the other person's personality. And it has nothing to do with the self-esteem of this particular person. The same goes for high self-esteem.
The harm of inadequate self-esteem
Low self-esteem or high self-esteem causes harm only when a person experiences internal discomfort.
Namely, when low self-esteem turns into:
- self-doubt, up to distrust of oneself,
- painful perception of criticism
- inability to make decisions and take responsibility for the results of their decisions and actions.
And inflated self-esteem is transformed into:
- pride and self-praise, which leads to the emergence of pride, indifference towards loved ones,
- Criticality and unreasonable demands on others, anger.
Build healthy self-esteem
- Self-development is work on your self-esteem. Remember that your self-esteem should not be tied to the opinions of others, their comments and words. That's why it is yours - "SELF-assessment"!
- Try to set realistic and achievable goals for yourself, as your self-esteem depends on their achievement.
- Form a healthy self-esteem, the right (adequate) attitude towards yourself, believe in yourself and do not let anyone doubt you
For a person, self-esteem is a tool for realizing oneself, one's strengths, one's mental abilities, actions and behavior. The main meaning of self-esteem is self-control.
By type, self-esteem is divided into general and partial. When someone considers himself a good man, this conclusion is considered to be a general self-assessment. Partial self-assessment is an assessment in individual activities.
In addition, self-assessment can be actual (assessment of what has already been achieved) and potential. Potential self-esteem is considered to be the level of claims.
Self-esteem i.g. it can be adequate, that is, really corresponding to the capabilities and achievements of a person, and inadequate.
In self-assessment, a person can use a high rating bar, medium and low.
There are three types of self-assessment:
- adequate self-esteem;
- low self-esteem;
- heightened self-esteem;
People with low self-esteem tend to focus on their own shortcomings and failures. Low self-esteem is the destiny of a timid person, insecure, unable to make responsible decisions.
These people don't want to be seen. They are indecisive and cautious, need support, easily change their minds under the influence of people significant to them. They prefer to follow the leader, which gives them confidence in their actions and, as they believe, immunity from responsibility. Extremely dependent on the opinions of others, their support and approval are very important to them.
Low self-esteem is an inferiority complex; such charming qualities as touchiness, vulnerability, quarrelsomeness, envy, vindictiveness, are his attributes. In addition, these guys are very demanding of others and themselves - unloved.
An impudently behaving boor is almost guaranteed to have low self-esteem. A person who respects himself, has adequate self-esteem, is confident in his abilities, does not need to prove something to anyone.
Inflated self-esteem is an attribute of self-confidence, success.
If you meet a person who constantly strives to be in the spotlight, tries to lead everything and distributes advice like seeds, then you have a person with high self-esteem. Willingly criticizing other people's actions, he perceives criticism in his own address with hostility. In general, someone else's opinion irritates him if it is different from his opinion. He is always sure of his rightness and infallibility, and if there is a “jamb” in his actions, he explains it as a consequence of force majeure, or tries to shift it to someone else.Even people with an overestimated type of self-esteem are characterized by: arrogance, selfishness, neglect of others. They are confident in their superiority, not critical of their weaknesses.
Low and high self-esteem can cause internal personality conflicts and a source of problems.
Adequate self-esteem is a quality that allows a person to set reasonable goals and successfully achieve them.
Abraham Maslow, in his famous pyramid of basic needs, includes among others: the need for self-actualization, the need for respect (reverence), but the need for adequate self-esteem is not spelled out. Meanwhile, people tend to obsessively create an image of their own significance and live up to it.
We construct a standard of self-worth that reflects our idea of how we imagine ourselves, how we want to be, how we want to appear in the eyes of others. Well, then we are engaged in monitoring - we compare the standard, and what we have in reality. This process is nothing more than analog self-assessment.
If what we actually have does not match the standard we have created, cognitive dissonance arises, which can be overcome in two ways:
- To force work on one's own significance (that is, to really raise it);
- Lower the bar of the standard;
Moving along the first path is troublesome, difficult and lazy. The second way is easier and more comfortable. But, you need to remember that if you follow it, you will inevitably earn some kind of complex - for a person, a decrease in the level of self-esteem is fraught.
Let's sketch out the outline of two (from a numerous series) types of people.
Type one.
People who are preoccupied with arranging only their own lives and the lives of people close to them. They will never go against the existing ones this moment social tendencies, and if it is beneficial for them (or opposition is dangerous), they will always find the possibility of a compromise with any abomination within the framework of what is permitted (not punished). They actively create for themselves and their loved ones a financial cushion and a comfortable habitat. If the question arises of choosing between the public good and private gain, they do not hesitate for a moment.
As a rule, they are all false and, with rare exceptions, primitive. The only thing that is not clear about all of them is when they will get drunk with money and whether this is even possible. Examples - do not count - it's almost all government officials.
Most of us evaluate such people as practical and far-sighted scoundrels. Some, deep down, envy them.
Type two.
A gradation of people who strictly observe moral canons and honor universal human values. They are concerned about how others perceive them, what they think of them. These magnificent people are truly the "salt of the Earth", the movers of progress, the keepers of universal traditions and morality. They usually do not stop until they burn themselves to the ground for the benefit of people. These people, despising the danger, do their duty as they understand it, risking destroying their future, but realizing that they will leave a good memory in the hearts of people and this is more important for them.
Olga Lee, a pretty young woman, risking not only her career but her life, was not afraid to remind our president that he is the guarantor of order and law in the country he leads. He, as usual, did not answer anything intelligible, but the system “pressed” the woman with all her nonsense. Such is the democracy guaranteed by the guarantor.
What drives people? Why do we act in one way or another? What determines our choice?
There are probably as many answers to these questions as there are people. You can also answer like this:
A person, having created an image of himself and his life scenario, stubbornly follows it. He is forced to do it. For him, this is a need. And the options for his actions are determined by his baggage: values, priorities, morality, significance (which he needs to maintain and increase), self-image, self-esteem (we must be at the level that we have set for ourselves). In other words, we fulfill the destiny from above, which we created for ourselves.
It is generally accepted that self-esteem is an assessment of oneself beloved, one's shortcomings and merits, one's strengths and weaknesses, one's capabilities and one's impotence.
It is clear that the assessment of such components of our personality as will, determination, vigor, charisma, decency, honesty, morality, conscience, duty, etc. - things are permanent, universal. Willpower - it is also in Africa - willpower. But the moral and ethical application of them is interpreted in different ways.
In some nations, a man is judged by what he is a breadwinner. The moral aspect of the method of extraction is not taken into account. For example, if a man brings home a bag of money, his family and relatives do not care at all where he got it. The main thing - rammed. This is a mentality, and it is clear that it will form an active life position and moral standards. As a consequence, distorted morality breeds distorted self-esteem.
Examples in our country - the sea. For civilized peoples, this is not entirely acceptable.
The criteria for evaluating morality (the ideas accepted in society about what is good and what is bad) and ethics (ideas about morality and morality) are different not only for ethnic groups, but also for social strata.
For example, a certain man:
- in production they are considered an excellent worker;
- friends consider him good friend;
- his wife considers him a useless husband;
- his children would like their father to be different;
What is he really, this guy with partial self-esteem?
The criteria for the moral self-esteem of a person in our country at the moment are the moral postulates that his parents laid in his head and that appeared as a result of upbringing (family, school, environment, TV). Of course, they can change, but this happens, as a rule, painfully, their correction always causes resistance.
One of the global meanings of religion is that it has provided humanity with a universal criterion of self-esteem, which clearly describes how to act - it is sinful, but as it is pleasing to God.
The guys - the communists broke it, but realizing that in order to form a person of a certain type they need, it is necessary to lay in his head suitable criteria for self-esteem, so they created the so-called "Moral Code of the Builder of Communism", which languidly existed for 70 years and safely departed into history.
Today, in my opinion, in our country there is no clear doctrine of the formation of the type of person needed by society. Probably, this happens because it is not yet clear where we are going.
The problem of education is shifted to the family, the Internet and TV. From the latter - the hair stands on end: lies, violence and "House-2".
An interesting detail: the creator of Dom-2 is now running for president. Imagine what if she was suddenly chosen!
Right, Papua New Guinea is some kind (by the way, cannibalism is still practiced there)! Or a brothel.
My grandmother, God rest her soul, was a very wise woman in her own way. When something confused was presented to her, she usually said:
Come on, my dear, let's get away from the stove, and it's easier.
So. If we are asked to characterize a person, we will definitely come to his significance (importance, significance). The level of assessment of the significance of a person depends on many factors, namely:
In which social environment he is in;
From what positions do we evaluate it;
The reason for which this assessment is made;
Evaluation of a person from different positions is different, due to the difference in evaluation criteria. Absolutely the same is the same with self-assessment: the same property or quality can be interpreted polarly. The issue is the use of criteria.
I am a pragmatist. I am convinced that everything that a person does, he does to satisfy his needs.
I can say ironically that by carefully examining yourself, you will understand the fact that everything you do, you do only for yourself. Meanness, acquisitiveness, depravity, or, on the contrary, vivid examples of service to society, can only be explained life credo of a person, conditioned by upbringing and a set of evaluation criteria.
If you delve into the bottomless history of mankind, you can find anything.
And in conclusion, if you want to increase self-esteem, I suggest you the following tricks:
Use self-hypnosis formulas.
They are very effective if used regularly. However, it is necessary to monitor the adequacy of self-hypnosis formulas: if, for example, your self-esteem is very low, then the self-hypnosis formula " I will be a huge success!" will only hurt, because it will contradict your inner beliefs. In this case, it is better to use the formula: I am very actively developing and the results are already clearly visible».
Develop your strengths.
Self-esteem is a derivative of your real successes. Decide what areas you are an expert in and dive into it. There you are the authority. You are respected there, and therefore you respect yourself.
If, for example, you fall into a stupor when meeting a girl, and you are nothing on the football field; but you are a strong programmer, they will perceive you like that: a frail person, it is a problem for him to meet a girl, but a programmer is from God. This is where your niche is. Here you will be respected by others, here you will respect yourself, here you will achieve everything that your talents are enough for.
Stop criticizing yourself.
From self-criticism, self-esteem only falls.
Make it a rule for yourself: failure is not a reason for self-criticism or compassion for yourself unloved, but a guide to action. Just say to yourself, “This is where I really got weak. I need to learn this." And act, act.