I'm trying to come up with an introductory word, but somehow it doesn't work out very well, so let's just say - I needed another tool to adjust my brain using the express method, so I write what I write.

If I didn’t dream it, Jung somewhere admitted that at a certain stage of therapeutic practice he began to simply give patients his books so that they themselves would determine their psychological type and generally participate in the diagnosis. Save money and time, you know.

This is where I need a new tool. There is a topic that constantly has to be explained, so it’s better for me to state it once in a good way, so that later the suffering ones can be sent to the finished material.

So: winners and losers. Think of it as a half-joking typology, devoid of any scientific and theoretical value, but easily and effectively applied in practice.

And note that, as usual, in such cases I paint a somewhat exaggerated picture in order to more clearly show the essence of these two types. In their pure form, they are not so common in nature, so do not look for “yourself” in the description, look for the type that you are closer to - this will help you pay attention to those aspects of your own functioning that, perhaps, elude you.

Losers (losers)

We all know the exaggerated type of "loser" - a person with whom everything is hopelessly bad. He is boring in communication, miserable in life, poor and weak. A man who put a cross on himself and is strangely satisfied with this. And even when life offers solutions to his problems, he somehow always finds an opportunity in Once again spoil everything, so as to remain an unfortunate loser.

At the same time, it seems to such a loser himself that the reason for his miserable situation is in some fundamental and incurable flaw that fate has awarded him, and that is why any effort to put his life in order is obviously doomed to failure. You can't argue with genetics, so to speak.

But an outside observer looking at this loser is always perplexed - he does not see any such flaw as to put an end to himself. There are always examples of people whom life has placed in much more severe conditions and endowed with such flaws that it is right for a “loser” to pray to God for treating him so mercifully. But no matter how obvious it may be from the outside, it is impossible to convince the loser that everything is not so bad with him ... because it is simply not profitable for him to admit it.

The trick is that being a loser is very convenient. Certainly, there are obvious downsides to being "not capable of anything." And, it would seem, none man of sense will not become a loser of his own free will. However, the logic of our mental apparatus sometimes gives out answers that cannot be called otherwise than irrational. And the truth is that every loser is a loser of his own free will.

There is no such force in nature, fate or genetics that would turn a person into a weakling. Health may be weak from birth, but the spirit of a person is always healthy and strong ... until a person himself chooses to become weak.

Of course, one cannot say that a loser chooses to be a loser from a good life. Naturally, this is preceded by certain external circumstances and promoted by internal circumstances. Not every person in the same conditions will choose the same mechanism of psychological self-defense. However, the main point that now needs to be paid attention to is that a person chooses the path of a loser of his own free will and quite consciously.

Naturally, the choice to become a loser occurs in early childhood, when the child does not even know the word yet, just every time life challenges him, he finds an opportunity to avoid the test, thereby laying the foundation for a behavior model that makes a person a loser. After all, the most effective way to slip away from solving problems in our world of widespread self-pity is to pretend to be weak or even sick. We don’t beat the weak, they help the weak, there is less demand from the weak, more attention and care for the weak ... pretending to be weak is very convenient!

The child does not see a long-term perspective that one day the moment will come when childhood will end and you will have to wrest your place under the sun from life with your teeth. Therefore, he directs all his strength and ingenuity to become convincingly portraying himself as weak and helpless, and only when faced with adult life sometimes he changes his mind and changes his strategy. But we all have plenty of examples of people who continue to follow the same strategy into adulthood, even realizing that this strategy is no longer effective. And all this is because, having become accustomed to fooling others, sooner or later he manages to fool himself. Now he himself sincerely believes that he is too weak in the face of insurmountable circumstances.

In short, the inner logic of the loser's position is simple. At the initial stage, the position of helplessness, pity and victim of unfair circumstances allows the child to effectively manipulate his environment (especially if this environment is characterized by the same pathetic and compassionate life position).

And later, the same logic of avoiding difficulties is applied to oneself. If early stage he had to demonstrate his pathetic helplessness to his parents, then later he has to play the same role for himself. Indeed, as one grows older physically, it becomes more and more obvious that not all difficulties are created by external circumstances, more and more often it turns out that, in addition to external ones, there are also internal circumstances, and they also need to be dealt with somehow. That's when you have to learn to believe in your own weakness in order to give yourself the opportunity to refuse to face reality.

That is, from an effective survival strategy, the position of a weakling turns into an equally effective psychological maneuver that allows you to avoid a collision with internal reality. By voluntarily refusing to test, the loser leaves himself a chance to believe that in fact he could cope, he just cheated so as not to bother.

Every loser, under the guise of his own insignificance and worthlessness, hides an inflated conceit - a belief in his peculiarity, talent and underestimation. Inside, it seems to him that he could move mountains if he wanted to. In fact, a loser is an ordinary proud man turned inside out, just as every successful winner is a loser turned inside out.

The loser is afraid to take responsibility for his life and receive actual confirmation of his own weakness, so he refuses to act and from the fight - giving up in advance. At the same time, he still has hope inside that everything is not so bad, because it was he himself who refused the battle, and did not LOST it ... which means that there is still a chance.

That is, the refusal to act and the belief in one's own weakness allows the loser to maintain his inflated self-importance. Any direct confrontation with reality would expose him to the fact that he is not as good as he fantasizes about. That is why the loser avoids any difficulties, pretending to be incompetent - this is the only chance for him to continue to live in a world of iridescent fantasies about himself.

Lucky (winners)

There are other comrades among us who look at the losers with a look of complete contempt. And this type of people is just as well known to us. But if it is customary to pity losers at best, then it is customary to admire successful ones. Not always, of course, but eight out of ten well-known respected personalities in our lives are lucky.

Usually these people attract a lot of attention to themselves, and if they do not get attention naturally, then they literally demand it. They are confident in themselves and the world- these are their possessions, and if for some reason the world is not friendly to them, then the lucky ones take the liberty and impudence to say that something is wrong with this world and something needs to be changed.

In any collective there are people who, for reasons that are not always clear, behave like kings - that is, as if they had the right to put themselves above others by the right of their origin. And this despite the fact that in life and in business these people may not be anything special. From all the rest they are distinguished only by one position in life.

Just as losers are convinced that they have a fundamental flaw, so these people, somewhere deep down, believe that they have some special dignity that allows them to distinguish themselves from the gray mass of ordinary people. And the strength of this belief is such that they no longer need any additional evidence to maintain their own conceit. A little more and they could walk barefoot on the water, relying only on faith in their own holiness.

But they have no great dignity behind their souls. Every loser is in love and proud of his own great defeats, but in fact there is no greatness in his troubles - he is the same ordinary person as everyone around, nothing special, and his flaws are not so great, and defeats are not at all so dramatic. It's just his cozy self-deception. And in the same way, the lucky ones - in reality they are nothing special, their faith in their own greatness is the same self-deception as the faith of the loser in their own insignificance.

The psychological benefit of the position of the successful is entirely analogous to the benefit that the loser has from his position. The difference is only in the mechanism that is used to achieve the same goal.

At the initial stage, the position of the winner - the person who deserves more - is beneficial in terms of ensuring survival and comfort. The best piece always goes to the “strong” (if the “weak” has not intercepted it before), so playing the king of the hill is very convenient and fun. The loser puts pressure on pity and guilt, the successful one threatens direct reprisal and inconvenience, and both have the same goal - to get what they want, whether it's a toy in the store, parental attention, or literally the best piece of cake at the table.

But gradually, from a means of manipulating others, the position of the winner turns into a means of manipulating one's own consciousness. The purpose of this self-deception is again the same - to keep intact the rosy ideas about oneself. But the protection mechanism works here a little differently. The trick of the winner is that, in his opinion, he has no need to go through life's trials, because they are simply beneath his dignity. He is too cool to participate in test races, let people who do not believe in themselves test themselves.

In this way, the successful winner provides himself with the same sterile safe environment in which his self-esteem is not tested in collisions with reality. And when life still hits such a person with a face on a table, the second circuit is triggered psychological protection- righteous anger! The table is declared the cause of all troubles, breaks into pieces and goes to the furnace, and a petition is written to the UN with a proposal to ban all tables once and for all.

Continuing the parallel, we can say that in every winner, in every such self-confident person, there is exactly the same little man frightened by life inside as in every typical loser. That is, there is no fundamental difference between these two types, except that they choose different strategies for maintaining and protecting their own self-deception.

However, the specifics of the life order of Western society is such that the losers are despised in our country, while the winners are feared and respected. This is logical, if not for the nuance that public opinion is not quite capable of separating self-confidence from real confidence. Taking the pose of a successful winner and really being a strong successful person are two opposite entities, which, however, may look identical to an unprepared observer.

That is why every successful person is so impenetrable in his own ignorance - he receives confirmation of his unusualness from everywhere, because people around do not distinguish between the pose and the real qualities of the personality. Well, except for the very pathological cases.

The winner is sure that absolutely everything is in order with him, and his illness is health. Accordingly, he does not see any problem at all and considers the idiot who dares to hint about it to him, which means that he has practically no chance to solve this problem.

And that is why every loser, in the form of an unattainable standard for himself, imagines a lucky person - a person who, without making real efforts, received everything from life only thanks to his own impudence. Insolence is the second happiness, as they say.

This is the curse of the loser. Although he is aware that something is wrong with him, and even sometimes makes a noticeable effort to solve the problem, however, a misunderstanding of the situation leads to the fact that in an attempt to solve the problem he tries to become "lucky" - that is, to replace one illusion the other, instead of getting rid of illusions altogether and really becoming strong.

Summary

I hope that the foregoing is enough to capture the essence and continue the thought on my own, but just in case and for greater relief, I will present a few more characteristics for both types in the form of brief theses.

• Loser attitude: “I am wrong, others are right. The world is fine, something is wrong with me.” Successful attitude: “I am right, others are wrong. I'm fine, there's something wrong with the world."
• IN conflict situation the loser tries to avoid confrontation, admits his defeat, makes concessions, resigns himself. The lucky person responds with counter disproportionate and unreasonable aggression, changes the subject, gets personal, demands satisfaction.
• Introverts tend to take the underdog position. Extroverts tend to take a winning position. However, this is only an inclination and not a strict rule.
• The winners feed on the losers, and the losers don't mind. The point is that the pose of the winner can best be confirmed by the loser. As well as the loser, his doom can only be confirmed by the winner. A normal healthy person will never fall for this or that position - he will see only false insignificance and false conceit.
• Both winners and losers are not an innate type of psyche and not a level of mental health, this is a type of illusion that a person has chosen for himself as a defense. Winners and losers alike are insignificant and weak. Neither one nor the other is an objective assessment of personality traits - it is only a type of self-deception.
• The winner lies to himself that he is cool and strong, the loser lies to himself that he is insignificant and weak. Both are nothing more than a defense against real responsibility for their true qualities.
• If the winner is poked with his nose into his mistake, he will attack in response - he will show aggression, try to poke the offender with his nose into his mistakes and thus translate the arrows. If you poke the loser with his nose, he will shrink and try to arouse guilt and pity in the offender with his insignificant appearance.
• The lucky ones don't go to a psychologist because "they don't have a problem." Losers go to a psychologist to become successful.
• The USA is a country of successful people, Russia is a country of losers who want to become successful.

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Reasons that pull us to the bottom.

What is human life? Work - home - work - home. Sometimes - a short trip, rarely - gatherings with friends. We are in a hurry to live, but, in fact, we do not live. We complain about the lack of money, time, energy, nerves, poor health and the lack of new opportunities. If a person is asked why he is not getting better, most likely, in response we will hear about some mythical external circumstances that prevent him from building an ideal life.

Successful American businessman Reimar Tirado thinks otherwise. Despite his status and financial stability, the entrepreneur does not stop there, but tries every day to learn and try something new. Thinking about why people do not strive to become better, a businessman is looking for reasons not outside, but inside a person. And they are as follows:

1. A person does not like to lose. Most likely, he is trying to avoid this, fearing to leave his "comfort zone". In vain. After all, having lost, we learn, try, gain invaluable experience, which means we develop. You need to learn how to lose. This will help us to explore ourselves in an effort to become better.

2. A person depends on the opinions of other people. He tries to be like everyone else, to adapt to them. He is afraid that if he becomes different, he will be condemned. But try thinking differently: let people adapt to you.

3. Each person considers himself the smartest. Others are fools, I am an expert. Unfortunately, this opinion is wrong. It's not what you know that matters, but how you can apply that knowledge. One graduates from the institute - and all his life he tries to make ends meet, the other, without higher education makes millions. Well, what's the point then with your knowledge, if you are not able to embody them.

4. A person reads little or does not read at all. It is better to watch something entertaining on TV than to immerse yourself in boring reading.

5. A person is not inquisitive. He perceives all the information as it is presented. We do not think that it could be otherwise. Perhaps something in the world is happening differently, you just need to look better.

The simplest thing is not to participate in what brings them to the described state, or not to communicate with them at all.

It is much more difficult to start slowly re-educating them, it is clear that in the case of a child it is easier. First, understand the cause of such a reaction, then consider options for its elimination or prevention. And then consistently implement them.

It is difficult, but in most cases it is impossible to do without it.

ABOUT! I know this. This is very common among children. And this is normal, if we are, of course, talking about a child. A person at an early stage of development seeks to assert himself, including through the defeat of his rivals.

The child wants to win and rightly so. Another thing: how to slightly adjust this position of the winner.
Some parents use the weight method: that is, for example, Misha ran faster than you, but you ran a greater distance. That is, to enable the child to understand that it is possible to win not in everything, but in one thing. It is impossible to win everything. You need to focus on one thing.

As for adults, here, in my opinion, as they say, "medicine is powerless." You can’t fix this anymore - the parents are to blame for not stopping this process in time. It is impossible and expensive to play with such a person. You will only quarrel with him.

★★★★★★★★★★

If a person does not know how to lose, then do not stand on ceremony with him or step aside.

Since I have been communicating for the second decade in the circle of athletes, where there are a lot of ambitious people, I came to simple conclusions. If a person who does not know how to lose is much stronger than you, then you just need to get out of his way and not argue so as not to inflate the wrath of his ambitions.

But if you have to communicate with this person all your life and you do not intend to endure his arrogance, then you need to gradually lower him one step lower each time, and it is best to immediately lower him from heaven to sinful earth. This is done simply. Find his weakest point and hit him with all your might so that this moment is deposited in the subconscious of someone who does not know how to lose.

As for the children who do not know how to lose and achieve their goal at any cost, the sooner he is besieged, the less problems there will be later.

If you are not constantly in contact with and dependent on a person who does not know how to lose, then get out of his way. If this person is constantly present in your life, then bring him down to earth.

My daughter, being small, having visited her grandparents, said that the game "Dunno" (there was one - with throwing a die and moving chips) had new rules.

When she gets some kind of trouble during the game, such as skipping a turn, going back, etc., then she can roll the die again - so grandfather said. We played three of us: she, me and my husband, there were tears, because. we did not recognize such rules. We explained to her that it makes no sense to play on such conditions, and either me and dad will have to cry, or everyone will receive such preferences.

She thought and listened, she was 4 years old.

“My child doesn’t like to lose!” - Parents often complain to psychologists. Or - "sobbing because of the deuce", "does not know how to compete honestly with children."

Psychologists have the right to ask: “whose child likes to lose?” Everyone wants to be the first, everyone dreams of being looked at, admired by them - and this is normal. Hypersensitivity to lesions is most often instilled by us adults. “You should pass the exam better than Mishka”, “who can score the ball into the opponent’s goal?”, “Don’t even tell me about the loss”, “You and I have been cramming the verse for the competition for so many days!” Who among us has not given such instructions? educator in kindergarten: whoever cleans up the dishes after breakfast faster will build a garage from the designer. Teachers at school: the best work in the class is with ... There are thousands of such examples. From an early age, the idea is laid in the head of a child that everything must be done quickly and be the first, then in life you will achieve your goal. Losing is the fate of the loser. And he suffers from his failures, inevitable in any life.

During the performance, the athlete is exposed to two states that have the opposite direction. This is, firstly, the desire to win, and, secondly, the fear of losing. And, if the second force is stronger than the first, then, according to the laws of physics, we get the corresponding result. Therefore, in preparation for competitive activity, early stages a factor should be taken into account, which we will conditionally call "the factor of accepting a possible loss in this competition as an indicator of the need to make changes to the training process."

Psychologists talk about the existence of the so-called "confidence zone", limited by the lower and upper thresholds.

upper threshold determines the maximum number of wins that follow one after the other, after which the fear of losing comes. Indeed, if one win follows another for a sufficiently long time, the thought arises that now the loss is inevitable. In other words, the athlete, as it were, mentally says to himself: “I have already won something five times. Apparently, now I’m definitely going to lose.”

lower threshold determines the minimum number of losses following one after another, after which the athlete feels insecure when performing. “We lost twice in a row! We are in a psychological hole! It will be hard to win! For one, a similar fear can come after two losses in a row, and for another, even five, nothing.

The smaller the numbers define these two thresholds, the narrower the zone of confidence. The task of the coach and the athlete is to constantly work on expanding the zone of confidence. The pattern of functioning of our psyche is such that the fear of winning decreases in proportion to the decrease in the fear of losing, so work on expanding the zone of confidence must begin with a change lower threshold.

It is necessary to instill in an athlete the courage to lose, that is, a person must give himself the right to make a mistake. After all, everyone makes mistakes, without this it is impossible to live. Perhaps the meaning of our life lies in learning, i.e. it is to learn where we initially went wrong, to do right afterwards. Negative information, i.e. error information should be used to find the right solution, not to blame yourself for not being able to do the right thing.

Example: A five-shot series in an experimental shooting competition involved super-class shooters. During the competition, the first three shots hit the top ten, and then a failure occurred and the shooter hit the nine or eight. When the series was increased to eight shots, the first five shots were in the top ten, and then a failure followed again. When the shooters were in the three shots - break - three shots - break - three shots series, almost all the shots were in the top ten. As if after a series of successful hits, the brain begins to doubt its right to be infallible.

It has long been known that all of humanity can be conditionally divided into four groups according to such a criterion as the ratio of the desire to win and the fear of losing. The same ratio holds true in sports. These are the four types:

1. type A - great ambitions and a high level of fear of failure;
2. type B - great ambitions and a low level of fear of failure;
3. type B - modest ambitions and a high level of fear of failure;
4. type D - modest ambitions and a low level of fear of failure.

Athletes with the psychology of a winner are type B. However, here, as elsewhere, the law of 80: 20 applies, according to which out of 100% (actions, attempts, people, performances), as a rule, 20% have a “hit in the top ten”, and the remaining 80% is the general background. Only 20% of performing athletes are type B. The main part of the athletes are people of type A. Accordingly, only one out of five athletes has a winning mentality from birth.

The features of these types are clearly manifested in the behavior of people. Psychologist Eric Berne has developed a typology according to which type A people can be attributed to the so-called “frogs”, and type B people can be referred to as “princes”. Let's look at their specific features.

Princes understand that they are unique and accept themselves as they are, i.e. they are authentic. Such people do not need to prove their uniqueness, go out of their way to prove that they are better than others. They just live their own lives and don't interfere with others' lives. Princes do not adjust themselves to the requirements and norms of others, they are independent and self-sufficient. Thinking about themselves, they pay attention not to their shortcomings, but to their strengths and think about how they can be used effectively. Princes are quite realistic about the limits of their capabilities and knowledge. Like all people, princes can lose from time to time. But losing in no way affects their sense of self-sufficiency and self-respect.

They continue to believe in their ability to achieve the desired result. Princes know themselves and their psychological features, they do not divide their features into good and bad. All they have is their wealth, and they only think about how to use this wealth in the most effective way. Princes absolutely calmly recognize certain rights for themselves, but they recognize the rights of other people. They enjoy their accomplishments, but do not feel guilty about the mistake, but view it as feedback.

Frogs live in a sense of their helplessness and dependence on others. Their favorite phrases are as follows: “I'm never lucky!”, “Only I can have this happen”; they very often use "but" in sentences: "I would do well, BUT something got in the way." Often they look for the cause of their failures in the behavior of other people. Often you hear from them a phrase that begins with the words "If only ...". "If only the judging was fair...", "If only I wasn't so worried before the performance." Their other favorite options are "when..." and "what if". “We will perform well when this coach leaves and another one comes!”, “I knew that in this situation I had to hit the goal myself, but, what if I hit and missed ...”

For such people, everything that happens to them seems dark and frightening, so they are in eternal tension and fear. Their forces are spent on experiencing their own failure and bad luck, so they have little strength left for direct participation in the event. Frogs do not know how to analyze what is happening to them, and therefore they never know why they lost. Consequently, they do not have the resources to radically change the situation. Since the frog is afraid of the real world, it builds an illusory world for itself, in which everything happens according to the rules set by the frog. Frogs are in constant doubt. And what could be more detrimental to a good result than doubt?

People of this type are constantly concerned about what others think of them. Therefore, each performance of a frog athlete becomes a proof to himself and others of his right to perform, to live, to be better than others, etc., and each loss becomes a real personal disaster. In this case, the level of motivation goes off scale, which negatively affects the results of the performance. The Type A player is dangerous, especially in team sports, where he not only panics himself, but also infects other team members with his condition. Now the work of a sports psychologist has appeared ...

As a rule, people of type C and type G are almost never found in sports, especially in elite sports.

The learning process is always a process of trial and error. A person is always trying to do something, misses, consciously assesses the degree of deviation and makes appropriate adjustments for the next attempt until he gets into the top ten. All self-tuning systems accumulate past mistakes, failures, painful and painful episodes in the data bank. This negative experience does not at all hinder the learning process, but contributes to it, if it is treated properly, namely, not to get hung up on it and consider it not as an assessment of the personality of the performer, but as a measure of the degree of assimilation of the action.

But the main rule is the following: as soon as the action is mastered and worked out, the mistakes made during the assimilation of this action must be forgotten, and only the successful action should be remembered, mentally dwelling on them for a long time. For example, for football players, this can be regular viewing of the most successful performances of the team, and on an individual basis, it is necessary for each player to create a bank of video frames where he is most successful and effective. Every player should have these videos and watch them regularly before training.

If we deliberately constantly return to our mistakes, constantly blame and reprimand ourselves for them, then against our will, a mistake or failure turns into a goal that is held in imagination and memory. Memories of past failures can most adversely affect today's actions if we endlessly think about them and mentally say: "If I lost yesterday, then I can lose today."

By the way, it has been found out that in a state of hypnosis, when unexpected talents for various types of activity suddenly open up in people, all their attention is concentrated on achieving a positive goal and there are no memories of past failures, i.e. in a hypnotic state, the memory of past failures is cleared.

To understand yourself...

1. Determine for yourself the maximum number of losses, following one after another, without affecting your belief in the possibility of winning in the next competition.

2. Determine for yourself the maximum number of successive wins in which you keep the faith in the possibility of winning next time.

3. Define a zone of confidence for yourself and set yourself the task of expanding this zone.

4. Observe how you react to a mistake. Record the result. Now write down how you would like to react to the error. Strive to develop the desired response.

5. Determine for yourself your attitude towards Princes and Frogs. What type are you? What type would you like to be? What qualities do you need to develop for this?