The perfect time will never come. You are always either too young or too old or too busy or too tired or whatever...

It is much easier to suffer than to change. To be happy, you need to have courage

Bert Hellinger.

Indeed, the fear of the new and the unknown forces us to remain at the point in our development where we are.

Even if life fails, work brings disappointments, relationships destroy, the soul is forgotten and covered with dust, the law of conservation or homeostasis keeps us from changing. For change is dangerous and unpredictable.

No need to wait for a magic pendel!

We find various ways to close our eyes to the dissatisfaction of spiritual needs, unfulfillment in life, harsh reality.

“It’s even worse for others”, “it’s not easy for everyone now”, “and in Africa children are starving”, “it could be worse” - these are the small part of attitudes and conclusions that allow a person to come to terms with reality, to remain in the situation in which he is in.

In such a state of stability, a person can live his whole life without awakening, without realizing his full potential. Many are familiar with the situation when a woman lives her whole life in an unhappy marriage because of the fear of difficulties and failures, hiding behind the care of children, or saving an alcoholic, or being sick.

Fortunately, there is also the law of development or heterostasis, which makes us develop, overcome difficulties, move forward, part with the already obsolete and unnecessary, give way to the wind of change.

Our inner motor, our inquisitive soul, thirsting for everything new and unknown, constantly makes itself felt with an indefatigable inner voice, or a playful mood in early spring after a long winter.

Thus, a person faces a vital task in finding a balance between balance and stability. On the one hand, our body is mortal and subject to the fear of death, striving to maintain stability, on the other hand, our immortal soul is not afraid of anything, it is inquisitive and strives for everything new.

A person who listens to his soul, sensitive to his desires and inner impulses easily changes his life, profession, place of residence, life companions.He strives for a dream, does what he loves, lives with those he loves, and, therefore, is happy.

But more often than not, this is not the case. Many are familiar with the feeling of an uninteresting life dragging on, when you feel mired in everyday life. A warm swamp, a swamp, a routine - we call it differently and can remain in this state for a long time, waiting for signs from above, a happy occasion, good luck, a magic pendel, good wizards or rescue heroes who are not ready to take an independent step.

C. P. Estes writes in her book “Running with the Wolves”: “If you never go into the forest, nothing will ever happen to you, and your life will never begin.” But this requires will, courage and push.

If you look abstractly and generally, then all clients come to a psychotherapist for the will, courage and impetus.

Of course, at first they present external problems, complaints about others.

They say that the marriage is unhappy, the work is depressing, the country is in crisis, there is no money, the children do not obey, they get sick, and I myself am all made up of complexes and neuroses donated by my parents.

Step by step, consultation after consultation, the client begins to understand that most of the expectations from the world are not justified, only he himself is the author of his life.

He realizes his inner freedom, which no one else can crush, takes responsibility for his life and becomes POWERFUL.

This is one of the key points in psychotherapy when the client is ready to move from awareness and analysis of his life and behavior to action, a real change in the circumstances of his life.

The following lines are deeply embedded in my head, I now use them as a reminder to myself:

The perfect time will never come.

You are either always too young

Or too old

Or too busy

Or too tired

Or anything else...

If you constantly worry about choosing the perfect moment, it will never come.

Raising his awareness, recognizing himself, the client begins to take a sober look at reality, gaining the courage to open his eyes to the real course of things, without using primitive psychological defenses like negation, projection, etc. Perhaps this brings pain, but also sets in motion the forces of the soul to change the unsatisfactory aspects of life and develop oneself.

In addition to the article, I want to quote another author (ann_duglas.lifejournal.com), which, with due humor and self-irony, reveals the essence of a sober view of the world. For me, it's like a sobering shower, which, combined with intuition and courage, brings stunning results.

"And so I thought it was time to finally look at this world for real, and not through 8 layers of rose-colored glasses. Otherwise, the people will remain confident until their gray hairs that they, so smart and talented, will still see the sky in diamonds.

So postulates:

• This world is not fair. Just remember.
• You are not unique. You have the same two arms, two legs that 90% of the population has. Believe me, there is nothing outstanding in you. And to make it happen - go work on yourself or your hands, or at least wash the dishes. And you are not at all a creative spiritual person that no one understands. You are the most ordinary.
• Your "deep" thoughts are of no value. At all. Yes, you are ordinary and speak platitudes. So what? Not everyone needs to go to Schopenhauers. The most important things are simple and clear.
• Nobody cares about your problems. They have theirs. This is normal, because deep down you don’t care about other people’s difficulties either.
• Stop worrying about what people think of you. Firstly, they don’t think so often, secondly, they don’t give a damn about you, and thirdly, they strive to get confused about what you think about them.
• You represent absolutely no importance. There are 7 billion people on earth, you cannot be seen with a magnifying glass in this sea. Therefore, immediately understand that you, as a person, are actually interesting only to a limited circle of people. These are your parents, husband or wife, and a few friends. Everything. If you have this circle and you are really important to them, you are very lucky. If not... you understand, don't you? World is not fair.
• Don `t cry. You can solve a problem - solve it. Decide - well done. If you can't, shut your mouth and eat your soup.
• You are mortal. Sometimes suddenly. Have this in mind. And be glad you're alive, it won't be for long.
• Rely only on yourself. Life is long, everything happens in it. If you think you can avoid problems because you have a lot of money, cool parents and a profession in demand, then I'm sorry to disappoint you, but a lot of people in 1917 thought the same way.
• Problems are inevitable. Major and minor troubles happen without fail, regardless of your behavior and spiritual merit. It happens to everyone. Nobody is perfect and nobody is immune from anything.
• You don't have to think positively. Thoughts are real. You won't get richer than Bill Gates. Realize it already and go wash the dishes, dreamer.
• This too shall pass. And this is also". published . If you have any questions on this topic, ask them to specialists and readers of our project .

P.S. And remember, just by changing your consciousness - together we change the world! © econet

From early childhood, we hear from parents and adults various attitudes, restrictions, norms of behavior.

When we grow up, we have our own views and attitudes. But the “forgotten” patterns that were formed in childhood have not disappeared. They continue to manifest themselves in everyday life, working subconsciously, we do not even notice it.

So how do they affect us as adults? In this article, we will look at some of them.

Most people believe that the world is cruel and unfair, that there is a lot of grief and unhappiness in it. This attitude towards the world comes from internal dissatisfaction with oneself. I couldn’t do something myself, but there I answered someone incorrectly, and in another place they rudely answered you, misunderstood you and, in general, I would like to live differently, in a different place and be born a different person.

Similar thoughts, and the states of discontent that arise in connection with them, are inherent in almost all people. Often, the root of such discontent comes from childhood. Man is born free from discontent and fears.

Now try to remember yourself as a small child, what have we constantly heard? Parents, trying to protect us from imaginary dangers and troubles, constantly inspired us: “you are still small”, “do not go where you are not asked”, “not your business”, “do not stick out”, and much more with the particle “do not You can probably remember yourself. And a whole complex of the most diverse “no” accompanied each of us in childhood, which we dragged with us into adulthood!

Moreover, adults did this mainly in a peremptory, categorical tone that did not tolerate objections and deprive the child of the right to choose and act independently. Most of what the child could do on his own, and it was interesting and informative for him, the parents did for him, instilling in their child that this is care, love, that they know better what's what. From birth, children are naturally inquisitive, they try to learn and explore this world and their place in it, they strive to live independently. And “compassionate” parents often stop or limit the child, thereby creating discord in him: “I’m interested, I want to try it myself” on the one hand and an adult: “it’s impossible, we will do it for you”, on the other hand.

Growing up, such a person ceases to trust himself and understand himself, giving rise to a psychological stereotype in himself, which manifests itself in everyday life, any new undertaking or unfamiliar surroundings. These attitudes gradually develop into psychological complexes and restrictions. Thus, a grown-up person develops a pattern of thinking: “others know better than myself”, “he is the boss - let him decide”, “it’s better to keep silent or do it like others, it’s safer”.

An artificial personality superstructure arises, a kind of projection of parents, adults, which limits and restrains the creative potential of the individual, giving rise to internal uncertainty, discontent and irritability in a person. Being in such a state, a person does not understand where the discontent comes from, because outwardly, everything seems to be fine and calm. Then he begins unconsciously, trying to get rid of the accumulated internal aggression, to pour out or project this discontent on external events and the people around him: "I'm not like that, the world is like that."

How to get rid of such a negative quality? First you need to realize your condition - this is already half the battle. And then you need to work on yourself.

- Remove claims to parents, conscious and not. Forgive them, accepting the state of affairs that our parents gave us the best, everything that they were capable of. And most importantly, they gave us life.

- Attitude towards the mother is projected onto the outside world. Everything that you feel towards your mother is manifested in your views and your worldview in general.

- Remove claims to yourself and to other people. A person without claims is given a lot according to circumstances. If there are claims, then much more is taken away from a person, since in a negative state his consciousness is narrowed, and he does not see his own opportunities and advantages.

Everything is within ourselves. You need to accept yourself the way you are. Allow yourself to just be, realize your creative potential, do what the Personality wants as a projection of the Soul.

Live "according to your heart", and not according to someone else's desire or mind, as the mind is always selfish and deceitful. Start doing something that “hands didn’t reach” or had no time for.

Then joy will definitely settle inside you and will pour out on the world making it for you and others prosperous and joyful.

Good, clean road, friends. Interesting finds on the way!

It has happened to many in life that a friend predicted something good or bad - and this actually happened. Or when a person who committed a vile act was "rewarded according to his deserts." Or when the horoscope surprisingly accurately described your life situation. It is difficult to resist the thought that this is the work of some supernatural forces. But it's not about mysticism, but about psychology. Why your brain behaves this way and why it can be dangerous - in the material "Futurist".

Faith in a just world

Pale Blue Dot ("pale blue dot" - a photograph of the Earth against the backdrop of space, taken by the Voyager 1 probe from a record distance

Do you think that for good deeds you will go to heaven - or that your enemy will be rewarded according to his deserts? In fact, the world is unfair. And more precisely, it cannot be fair or unfair in principle. Take a look at the famous photo "Pale Blue Dot", evaluate the scale of the Universe and think: is this huge and chaotic space capable of controlling and evaluating the actions of each individual, rewarding or punishing him? However, we continue to believe that life will put everything in its place.

The first to suggest studying faith in justice as a phenomenon social psychology, was Melvin Lerner . He repeatedly witnessed outsiders blaming the victims for their suffering. The scientist tried to expand the work of his colleague Stanley Milgram , answering questions about how bloody regimes get popular support and how people come to accept social norms and laws that breed violence. In 1966, Lerner and his colleagues began a series of experiments. In the very first, women watched people who were allegedly shocked. At first, the members protested against the violence and reacted emotionally to every blow. Gradually, their reaction became more restrained - although the observed suffering intensified. But another group of women, who were told that the victim would be rewarded for suffering, supported her until the end of the experiment.

To explain the results of these studies, Lerner suggested that there is a widespread belief in a just world that functions as a kind of "contract" with the world or some supernatural force regarding the consequences of behavior. This allows people to plan for the future and shape effective, goal-directed behavior. Despite the fact that every day people face suffering for no apparent reason, they use strategies to eliminate threats to their faith in a just world. These strategies can be rational or irrational.

Rational strategies include accepting injustice, trying to prevent injustice or compensate for suffering, and accept some of your own limitations. Irrational strategies include denial, withdrawal, and rethinking of the event. In the case of the latter option, an inversion often occurs: the observer begins to blame the victim - for example, the raped girl for walking late at night in a skirt above the knee. Or a small child gets sick because of the "sins" of his parents - no matter how righteous they actually lead. Or the lamb is to blame for the fact that the wolf wants to eat. Many examples of victim blaming can be found in Old Testament where tragedies and catastrophes are justified by the previous behavior and sins of the victims. Research carried out Zeke Rabin And Letitia Ann Peplau showed that people who believe in the justice of the world are usually more religious, authoritarian and conservative. They approve of the existing regime, worship political leaders, and disdain the weak, the discriminated against, and the disadvantaged.

Another side of the belief in justice is a sense of their own invulnerability: people often do not believe that they have done anything to deserve or cause trouble, illness or negative attitude towards themselves, and therefore behave carelessly and self-confidently.

Forer effect

Have you ever noticed that all horoscopes, predictions and forecasts are remarkably similar? They are so vague that a 40-year-old businessman, a pensioner, and a teenage girl recognize themselves in the same description. This is nothing but a cognitive distortion.

In 1948 the psychologist Bertram Forer handed out to 39 students psychological test and said that according to its results, everyone will receive a personal characteristic. A week later, each student read the following about himself:

1. You need other people to love and admire you.

2. You have a tendency to criticize yourself.

3. You have many opportunities that you never used to your advantage.

4. Although you have some personal weaknesses, you are usually able to compensate for them.

5. Disciplined and assertive on the outside, you tend to be anxious and unsure of yourself.

6. From time to time you have serious doubts about whether you made the right decision.

7. You like change and variety and get frustrated when you're limited in some way.

8. You consider yourself an independent thinker and do not take other people's statements for granted without satisfactory evidence.

9. You think it's unreasonable to be too frank.

10. At times you are friendly and sociable, and at other times you withdraw into yourself and behave very reservedly.

11. Some of your aspirations tend to be rather unrealistic.

12. Security is one of your main goals in life.

Forer asked the students to rate the accuracy of the feature on a scale from 0 (very poor) to 5 (excellent). On average, students rated the correspondence of the characteristics of reality at 4.26 points. And only later did they learn that Forer took this characteristic from an astrological magazine - it turned out to be general enough to suit each of the students. In another study on this effect, students had to choose between a real test-based test and a fake one based on the same generalized statements. More than 59% of the subjects chose the fake one.

What is the secret of a good horoscope? After a series of experiments, it turned out that a person will almost always consider a description of his personality to be reliable and correct if a) it comes from an authoritative source for him b) contains vague wording c) contains characteristics that suit most people d) characterizes a person’s personality positively.

This is a special case of such a cognitive distortion as subjective validation . It manifests itself in the fact that a person will consider a statement or other piece of information to be correct if it has any personal meaning or meaning for him. In other words, a person will perceive two unrelated events (that is, a coincidence) as related because he wants to find a connection between them. This is how conspiracy theories are born.

The effect of a self-fulfilling prophecy

Remember the Greek myth of Oedipus? The oracle predicted to Laius, king of Thebes, that if he marries Jocasta, he will die at the hands of his son. Disobeying the prediction, Lai marries Jocasta. When a son is born, Lai, fearing for his life, orders the legs of the newborn to be pierced and thrown out at the foot of the mountain. But the child, by the will of fate, survives. The grown-up Oedipus learns from the oracle about his fate and in fear the young man leaves his foster parents. On the way, he meets Lai, gets into an argument with his driver, and kills both. Thus, the prophecy is being fulfilled.

The story of Alexander Grin "Scarlet Sails", the myth of Romulus and Remus - there are countless such stories in literature. All of them are similar in one thing: their plot accurately describes self-fulfilling prophecy effect , which is often used by soothsayers and stock market players. A person believes in a prediction that is actually not true. But he, consciously or not, changes his behavior, thus bringing fantasy closer to reality. This situation was described in 1948 by the American sociologist Robert Merton , which, in turn, derived it from the then-famous "Thomas theorem": "If a person defines a situation as real, it is real in its consequences." That is, people's behavior is determined not by the situation, but by how they perceive it.

In one of his books, Robert Merton extrapolated this situation from an individual to social institutions. For example, if a rumor is spread that a bank is insolvent, then many customers will want their money back and actually go bankrupt. This property is partly related placebo effect - improvement in the patient's condition after taking a substance that does not have healing properties, based on the patient's belief that the medicine works.

Of course, if you hear Pluto crashing into Earth, you won't be able to adjust its orbit accordingly. This effect extends only to human affairs. And the only way out of this vicious circle according to Merton is to redefine the original prophecy. For example, Oedipus could learn the truth about his origin from his adoptive father and remain king in Corinth. But on the other hand, if Assol had lost faith in the fairy tale, she, given the rumors about her and her family, could not marry at all - or get along with a person who would be completely devoid of imagination.

Hello. As I promised, today we will talk about why the world sometimes seems so wrong and unfair to us, and, of course, I will tell you how to get rid of this painful feeling. I don’t know about you, but for me this problem was quite relevant. long time. Many things happening to me (and around me) seemed terribly wrong. I couldn't understand why cute and beautiful girl can start dating a real cattle, could not understand why some bratty boor achieves much more in life than a friendly and peaceful person. This list could go on and on, but I think you get my point.

Personally, I felt uneasy from the realization of this. I barely had suicidal thoughts. And for a very long time I could not understand at all in what direction I need to dig in order to get rid of this feeling. But after a long time, I still managed to figure out what was what.

As usual all roots come from early years. In childhood, parents try to instill moral values ​​in the child and explain what is good and what is bad. They do this for two reasons. Firstly, it is easier to manage the child, and secondly, this is how it is supposed to be in our society. To instill such qualities as modesty, politeness, intelligence is the norm. After all, the child must be cultured and decent. But why this is especially necessary, no one thinks.

As a result, the child, like a sponge, absorbs the words of his parents and everything goes well for him, but only up to a certain point. Once in the team, the child sees that not everyone is as correct and intelligent as he is. And then he begins to rely on his culture as a distinctive feature that separates him from all the "bad". And somewhere in his subconscious even the thought “I'm better than them!” slips through.

But sooner or later, the child (and by that time, perhaps, is no longer a child at all) thinks: “Why am I good, and everyone else is bad and wrong?” And here the harsh reality is revealed in front of him. IN modern world not the good ones win, but strong personalities. Audacity and perseverance turn out to be more valuable qualities than decency and intelligence ... Such is the cruel truth and you can’t get away from it.

So what is needed in order to throw off this stone of excessive correctness from the soul? Everything is relatively simple - you just need to realize that those high moral values ​​\u200b\u200bthat you held on to actually turned out to be false. However, despite the simplicity of the above, this is a rather long and painful process, but it is necessary if you do not want to continue to hover in your illusions. Forget about what people "should" be, but rather take a closer look at what they really are. And remember that there is no injustice. Everything that happens in the world is right and natural. Just be aware, accept it and move on with your life...